I’m feeling so broken. Like literally something inside is broken and I feel like I glue it back together, but it must be that cheap glue because it doesn’t stick long. I wonder if I will ever be strong and stay in a good place. I’m trying to accept that I’m always going to have to be medicated to be stable enough to function in society. I keep abusing substances. It’s got to be killing my insides, for someone paranoid of infections and disease and things of the sort, I poison my liver a whole lot without second thought.
I know the alcohol keeps me down in this place. After a few days sober, sometimes it takes a week, I start to see the light. It feel so good when I feel that feeling, like the sun is brighter, everything smells better, a place in my soul feels less ugly. I hurt myself less, I have hope for healing, I have clarity. Why do I always go back? This morning when I woke up I just lay in bed for a long time, trying to think but I can’t find clarity. I can’t find anything but self-harming, black, self-hating, sad thoughts, and even those are running around up there scattered. I got up, drank a whole bunch of water and ate, hoping to feel less sick, and less sick of myself. I tried showering, to cleanse myself physically, mentally, spiritually. All I could think in my shower was how I need to self-injure. It really feels like it’s the only thing I can do to myself to punish myself for my behaviors. It doesn’t make sense, I know that. And from previous experience, it doesn’t do anything but make me feel worse about myself. I don’t “get” me. I don’t understand. Why do I feel the need to punish myself in the first place? I’m so used to the idea. I don’t know where it came from, but it’s always there.
I would consider myself a decently smart person. I did well in school. I have common sense. There is just a part of me that completely ignores it and feels powerless. Powerless, I feel powerless over my demons. Part of it is I feel guilty for having “issues” at all. It really doesn’t matter whether I have reason or not to be how I am, the fact is I am. This is me, these are my issues, I need help, I keep failing at helping myself. I keep going back to the weak me that I hate. I feel powerless, out of control, ugly, and small. Too small to dig myself out of this hole I’ve gotten myself in. I’m not sure I should even try because the glue just falls apart every time and I’m getting tired of myself and the person that loves me just stays in a constant state of concern over me. Small, tiny, almost microscopic, that’s how I feel today. I need clarity, rational, freedom. I see no light today. Just dark, ugly, guilt.