I just joined SAFE blog… and its kept me more aware of myself lately. I say I have food issues. After every meal, I feel guilty for having it. Kinda silly really… but I feel better now, eating less. I look in the mirror and I look better, but it’s still not enough. I’m fat. Like, really I am, and it’s embarrassing. I look at people who I KNOW are bigger then me, and I feel like I look just like them, but worse, and uglier. I hate eating.

I’m not sure if I started with the eating, or with the injuring first. But they blend together now that I look back. I’ve been having the thoughts since January at least, but the action didn’t come until last month. It started as just the desire…  Maybe it was just the fact I wanted to see how it felt. But then one day, I remembered the pain from an injury, sure I was frightened somebody would see the marks, but I didn’t care. I started injuring.

Today…

I’m told that I can’t hurt myself anymore.

My best friend wants me to get better. To be honest, I’m not much of a best friend, I don’t even remember her favorite color. I’ve never truly helped her with any problems. But, I talked to her, because I knew she used to SI, and I figured she would help. Well, she told me that if I SI,  she would too, and she wouldn’t be my friend anymore. So I don’t have a choice. She is worth the world to me. So I have to.

Nothing ever seems as clear, or scary, then having that put onto you…

But she told me to tell myself I was worth it.

When your heart clenches and your in near tears because you don’t believe it, and can’t even TYPE it. It’s sad…

SO to me, that’s my clarity, that’s my mindset. I have to get better, or it’s not just me anymore. It’s her too.