So yesterday I talked to my dad on the phone for about a half hour. He lives in Arkansas, I live in PA. I haven’t seen him since last summer because he couldn’t come up for Christmas or Spring break this year. I know a lot of people have parents who are separated or divorced, so I don’t really know why I’m complaining about it, but every time I think about my dad, I tear up because I miss the heck out of him. And this is hard because I’m the oldest. I’m supposed to be the strong one, no crying. I guess that’s why I turned to SI. My entire life I’ve bottled up my emotions- I tried so hard not to cry at my grandmother’s funeral, and more recently a friend’s funeral. I always try to seem happy and content around my family, even when it’s a straight-up lie. SI gave me an outlet to go to so I would be able to keep up this front. But now I’m stuck. I’ve been trying to stop, and it works for a while, but something always happens, and I always slip up and fall back to square one.
It always seems like I’m never good enough, especially when I have a twin sister to compare with. She’s the star child, and I’m… not. Even my little sister comes out on top. I’ve always been Mom’s “problem child” that she never knows what to do with. She’s never happy with what I do and with Dad so far away, I don’t really have anyone to turn to. I’m not close with my mom, especially since she makes it seem like seeing me when she gets home makes her day that much worse. Knowing about my SI would probably put our relationship in a death-spiral, plus it would put that much more stress on Mom. She would probably blame herself, and if Dad knew… he’d probably blame her too. And everything would be my fault.