So i guess I have a few things on my mind. I think im going to bullet point them so i make sense, rather than just blurt it all out.
- Its one of the hottest days in a while here, and I wore shorts for the first time (no where near short shorts, I guess bermudas) yet I still have visible scars. I wore a tank top as well, considering its almost 100 degrees out. I feel overly exposed. I got my toes done with my best friend, and the lady doing my nails kept motioning to her friend next to her and telling her to look at my legs. Like, i know the little ladies that do pedicures usually speak to their other coworkers in their own language, but geez today it was so obvious. I felt so nervous it made the whole experience kind of blah, whereas I went so I could relax and hang out with my best friend.
- I made horrible decsions for lunch today. I hate how I feel, I hate that I ate it. I just feel stupid for eating junk food, and then feeling awful afterwards. Why has food become such a burden? We had dinner a few nights ago at my brothers house, and my sister in law asked about my eating. I had to lie to her face and laugh it off, but the whole time I wanted to burst into tears and tell her I need help. That I know its wrong, every morning I wake up and tell myself Ill eat better. I wake up and tell myself, today I will control my hunger, eat fruit and healthy meals, but as the day goes on I mess up. I always mess up.
- I got to work today, and my coworker said “oh going sleevless today” really? Like Im not worried about all the scars that are showing? like I dont sit there and cross my arms and not move? After the tense pedicure I come to work and hear that. I know she didnt mean anything. She knows I had a problem. Key word being HAD. She doesnt know anything about any of my si now. As a matter of fact, no one does. I guess you guys do, but thats it.
- I used to love the summer. It meant tank tops, swim suits, and being outdoors. Now? I hate it. I hate that when there are new people around I feel them all staring. I dont think any of them really notice, but I feel like I have 100 eyes on me. It may just be me, It might just be my imagination. But its still stressful. Todays the first day I work “summer clothes” and im miserable.
- I wish I had someone to talk to. Like face to face. But when I get opportunites like that I cant talk. I cant say any of this out loud. I know thats weird. All these thoughts are so much easier on the computer screen. I cant handle saying “I need help” out loud. Ive never said it. Ive had people ask me why I si… I just shrug. I cant even give them an answer when theyre either reaching out or just being nosey. When I talk its to make jokes, to “laugh”, to make everyone think im ok. Im not. I wish I was. I wish I could smile and say, yes, I am ok.