After fifteen days of being SI free…I gave in. I didn’t plan on it. I didn’t want to. It just happened. And I hate myself for it. I could have gone without it. But during the act…it felt right. It was such a weird feeling.
My cousin had a heard attack today and is in ICU. I just saw him, literally, a couple days ago for the first time in five years. He was so happy with his life. He had fought cancer and won several years ago and he was living in paradise with a house right on the beach.
The news hit me and I wanted to cry…but i didn’t. I needed to be strong for my mom. She and him were best friends growing up. I just distracted myself and the second I was alone…it happened.
I called my sister but she acted like the reason I had was no big deal…he was in ICU. He’s okay. She didn’t even ask me if I gave into SI (though i told her about it a month ago). She was very surface.
Then I told my friend I gave in and all she had to say was “i’m praying for you”. …which is good. But really? You couldn’t give me A LITTLE bit more. I need encouragement. I need sympathy. I hate being brushed off.
Fifteen days down the drain. I can’t believe I have to start from scratch. I don’t think I can make it that long again. It was so hard…
I don’t know what to do…I feel horrible. I feel sad. I feel ashamed. I feel like a selfish jerk.
Help me.
oh girly, I’m so sorry…but… You’ve made it 15 days!!! Be proud of that! You should be proud of that, because I’m very proud of you! Do you know how long 15 days is to us? It’s more like 15 months! You’re so strong!! Just because you gave in to the urge doesn’t make you a bad person, or weak! It just means that everything were too much for you at the moment.. You’ll be in my prayers, as well as your cousin! You did great girl,for holding out so long,and I’m so proud of you! <3 Love you girly! x0x0x0x0x0x
When I was growing up, I use’d to SI.. It would be a means to cope with pain, confusion, and a general feeling of being totally our of control…
I was about 16 when I went to counselling for the first time… in the beginning it was awkward, I felt I had to explain and rationalize what I felt and why I was feeling it,and why this made me want to SI, and what I got out of it… but the more I spoke, and the more I went to counselling, the more I realized that it wasnt so much about what other people thought of me, but what I thought of myself..
You held on for 15 days, for 15 days you fought an inner battle so dark it threatened to consume and overwhelm you at any minute… Do not give in to self doubt.. remember that you dont need to be good to start, but you must start to be good.. dont try and get past day 15 as if you were setting a record, take it one single day at time, and revel in the pure self satisfaction that you made it through that one day.
We all fall off the wagon along the way, thankfully, here, there are so many people on the same journey who are kind enough to stop and help you back up.
Hang in there sweetheart, because you mean so much to everyone one of us here xxxx
I know exactly how you feel. I was clean for a couple weeks before I did it again. Before, during, and after the fact, I knew it was wrong, but I wanted it. It made me feel good. But I also know that I don’t want this to rule my life. I’ll start over as many times as I have to in order to get out of that vicious circle– and you should keep trying too! No matter how many times you slip up and go back to square one, just keep going! I know how hard it is to keep it up every day, but just keep looking forward to a time when thoughts of SI won’t hang over you at every waking moment. It’s going to be a long fight, but we’re all here fighting together- and we won’t leave anyone behind or brush them aside!
Same thing here I would last weeks only to go back to it it felt like a never ending cycle and I felt like a big failure and here I am I haven’t SIed in 1 week. A counselor at school told me falling off the wagon is just apart of recovery sometimes you need that to motivate yourself to go longer. Be proud for lasting 15 days it shows how strong you are but it also shows that you have the power and ability to last without SI. Keep your head up we’re all here for you,