After fifteen days of being SI free…I gave in. I didn’t plan on it. I didn’t want to. It just happened. And I hate myself for it. I could have gone without it. But during the act…it felt right. It was such a weird feeling.
My cousin had a heard attack today and is in ICU. I just saw him, literally, a couple days ago for the first time in five years. He was so happy with his life. He had fought cancer and won several years ago and he was living in paradise with a house right on the beach.
The news hit me and I wanted to cry…but i didn’t. I needed to be strong for my mom. She and him were best friends growing up. I just distracted myself and the second I was alone…it happened.
I called my sister but she acted like the reason I had was no big deal…he was in ICU. He’s okay. She didn’t even ask me if I gave into SI (though i told her about it a month ago). She was very surface.
Then I told my friend I gave in and all she had to say was “i’m praying for you”. …which is good. But really? You couldn’t give me A LITTLE bit more. I need encouragement. I need sympathy. I hate being brushed off.
Fifteen days down the drain. I can’t believe I have to start from scratch. I don’t think I can make it that long again. It was so hard…
I don’t know what to do…I feel horrible. I feel sad. I feel ashamed. I feel like a selfish jerk.