have to go visit with my family this Friday and Saturday. They live a couple hours away and I’m spending the night there. I know this doesn’t sound like a problem. Plenty of people go spend time with family. I’m scared. I’m going to have to try on a bridesmaids dress for my little sister’s wedding…there are two big issues with the dress thing for me.
1. They assumed I would fit in to a certain size and went ahead and bought this dress, I asked them not to. If it doesn’t fit I will be really upset and hate myself for being too fat to fit in this size they assumed I fit in. For fear of this, I’ve been engaging in eating disorder behaviors that I KNOW are terrible for my body but I can’t bear the embarrassment of not fitting in this dress. I don’t even wear dresses…why can’t I wear pants?
2. I have scars, in more visible places than the last time any one in my family would have seen. It’s too hot to wear covering clothes…I live in Florida, that sticks out extra. It’s never ever been a subject we’ve discussed much (about twice) so I’m thinking, maybe they wont notice? Maybe they wont say anything. It’s funny because for so long as a teenager, I wanted them to notice, I wanted them to ask me so I could get help but now I dread them seeing any evidence of present or past self injury. It makes me feel all gross inside.
I don’t know what I will say if they ask or make any comments. Maybe I’ll just tell the truth. Maybe I’ll tell my mom they are because of her and she’ll feel guilty and love me a lot and hug me a lot. That would be selfish and manipulative of me, but that would ideally be what I would say. I hope that doesn’t make me sound like a terrible person.