My aunt was two months pregnant after YEARS of trying and people telling her she couldn’t have kids and we found out on Wednesday but then she was having problems but they found the heart beat and told her to be on bed rest. Saturday i realized she was getting better so i started to attach myself to this baby cousin and i bought a whole outfit for him or her and not only that my aunt and i were discussing baby names. June 12th at 1 she was rushed to the hospital around 2 am it was confirmed that she had a miscarriage. I cried until i fell asleep and when i woke up i SIed then i blocked my emotions when i got home from work i cried and SIed and then i came home from a concert and SIed. It’s as if every time i cry i have to SI as if it blocks the emotions. I feel like i shouldn’t feel this sad she was only 2 months pregnant. I blame myself for this i feel like i jinxed this by the fact that i bought her the outfit and that i told her to expect more. After two weeks of being SI free i just did it. Maybe i’m kinda mad at God because he gave her this miracle so why did he have to take it away from her… but then i think things happen for a reason and maybe she will get pregnant again and have her first child and live out that dream. Some reason i don’t even understand why i’m SIing i just don’t get anything at all today no matter how hard i try to understand i just don’t. Why am i doing this is it because i feel pain is it a sense of blocking out what happened or my emotions. How is it that i’m doing this to myself and i’m not even sure why or maybe i do know and i’m just blocking it out. I want to give up only because i lasted the longest i have since April two weeks and i screwed it up. I guess it’s a day by day thing i just have to work my way back some how and try to stand on my two feet again.