I made a huge mistake. I havnt SIed in a few days. Well I havnt injured how I ususally injured, I guess I should say I sied in a different way today. IDK. Anyway. Im sitting here, alone at work, and I decide to google search SI. NOT A GOOD IDEA! I am now shaking, and wanting to si. Although Ive sied for 7+ years, I have never once searched it. I made that mistake today. I felt like I was looking at something forbidden. Like things that shouldnt even exsist. But at the same time, Im one of them. I SI, and that makes me …them. Just not as strong to share it for the world to see. I am so self concious about my scars lately. I just sit there and look at them, and think to myself how everyone is looking at me, and how everyone is seeing the scars, how weak I am, how vulnerable I am, how STUPID I am for doing this to myself. Knowing all of this I want to SI really bad right now. And Im really trying to fight the urge because I cant do it, i shouldnt, i cant. I want though. I want so bad. I want to take my tool out of my bag and SI. But i shouldnt. I cant. I shouldnt. I wont. I might. Well.. idk. I … no i cant! I need to stay strong but at the same time, I have all these scars, whats one more?
Im starting a new volunteer job tonight, helping handicapped kids. What if one of them notices? what do I say? what can I do to make myself not look like a FREAK. i dont know! I shouldnt have looked at anything online. Thank god theres a safe place to come here, where I know I wont have to face anything triggereing.
The sad part? I read the warnings, I saw they were going to be triggering, and I thought to myself… “Oh, I can handle this! This wont make me want to si.”
Apparently Im weak.