I really do no know what i´m even doing writing on a site like this. I know it’s stupid (or maybe it’s not) but i feel like I don’t belong here (and not just because I’m over 18 and not even from an english speaking county (so please excuse all the spelling and grammer mistakes. I find it kind of embarrassing myself, to come to think about it I don’t even know where this site is originated.))) Anyways,the reason i’m writing this is because i’m once again thinking about hurting myself (and acting on it too. Not in a lifethreatening way, I might add). I’m just so confused, because i have not done anything like that for at least six month. I used to selfharm in different ways (again, not in a life threatening way) and now I feel like doing it again so much. I want to!! (Isn’t that the most ridiculous thing you ever heard? Who wants to do that?) The thing is, I can’t really talk to my best friends about it because one of them is pregnant (willingly and she is in an age where that’s perfectly alright) and the other one struggles with an eating disorder, so I don’t really want to bother her. I know that other people here have far worse problems than mine, and I really don’t want to take focus form anyone (my probems with selfharm (and I’m not really sure you can call it that) is honestly not that severe but still I feel like writing about it and at least having the illusion someone other than me knows about it and cares (i can’t believe I just said that, I feel like such a whiny idiot (sorry for all my bracket-remarks)). Anyway, I don’t even know what I feel now so very clearly is what i really feel since I had a few drinks (once again i’m really more than old enough to drink) and now everything is just so mixed up. I don’t know if my feelings are real or not, and I haven’t known that for a long time (that’s probably not the right tense, is it? I’m sorry, i’m just worrying so much about it because i’m actutally an english language student and by now i’m really supposed to know about that stuff)). I don’t know why I selfharm or have the urge to do it since nothing bad ever happened to me. My childhood was very uneventful and harmonic and my parents are still together and I should not be like this at all. There is just no explanation that would justify my behavior in any way but still sometimes it just makes me feel better, even though I know i will regret it tomorrow.
I’m so sorry to bother all of you with that very cryptic message,