I’ve told someone. I’ve sat by the river. I’ve listened to music. I’ve written in my journal. That is pretty much my list of “safe alternatives” to self injuring. I can’t shake it off today. The urge that is. It wont leave me alone. I want to scream that last sentance.

It’s every second,every second,every second. It’s like a constant movie playing through my mind right now: images, objects, me, reasons. I say no and clench my jaw, cringe, close my eyes and push the thoughts away. It’s like someone is pushing the replay button in my head. Some sick person pushing the button playing these triggering photos,thoughts, tools over and over again.

I feel selfish and weak. I hope I can keep fighting the self destructive part of me. So far I’m holding on to rationality and reality but it wont just go away.

It’s a friend knocking at my door, but mom says I’m not allowed to play because she is a bad influence.