I hate feeling like there is no point in anything. I hate feeling unloved and unwanted and WORTHLESS. I hate feeling uncared for. I hate that I don’t believe ANYONE when they say they care about me because I’ve been lied to too many times. My chest aches from the emotional pain I feel. I am so sad and at night is the only time I can actually let out my feelings because the pressure to be “okay” and “perfect” is lifted when I’m not in front of people. The mask comes off and all I am is a broken girl with tear stains on her eyes. There is no more pretending.

This is who I am. But I don’t understand it. I don’t want to be here in this place of hopelessness. I am a Christian girl.  I know God loves me…but sometimes I forget it. Or I can’t believe that I could be loved.

SI makes that feeling go away…not permanently, but it helps me. But I DON’T want to give into it! I’ve gone almost seven days without it.  A whole week! It’s just tearing me apart to fight it. I don’t see the point in fighting when I am going to feel so utterly desperate.  I feel week. I feel sick. I feel like the weight of the world is on my chest. I can’t breathe.

Maybe it’s finally time for me to admit to someone that I need help…someone who can actually HELP me. I’ve built up the courage before and I’ve been let down every time. My friend doesn’t see how I am, she just complains about her life. And my sister acts like I never even told her. But I am so…depressed I guess the word would be? I hate my life and the direction it’s going.  I want to get it back on track. I want this despair to end. I can’t take any more misery.

Any suggestions? I…I feel lost. I feel like there is no one to turn to. Please, someone, help me. I am drowning.

Seven days SI free and I am in complete turmoil, fighting, what I feel like is, to the death.  I WANT to win. I just don’t know how to. I’m desperate for SOMETHING. …ANYTHING.

(if anyone wants to email me my email is visiblyperfectinvisiblyscarred@gmail.com)