I hate feeling like there is no point in anything. I hate feeling unloved and unwanted and WORTHLESS. I hate feeling uncared for. I hate that I don’t believe ANYONE when they say they care about me because I’ve been lied to too many times. My chest aches from the emotional pain I feel. I am so sad and at night is the only time I can actually let out my feelings because the pressure to be “okay” and “perfect” is lifted when I’m not in front of people. The mask comes off and all I am is a broken girl with tear stains on her eyes. There is no more pretending.
This is who I am. But I don’t understand it. I don’t want to be here in this place of hopelessness. I am a Christian girl. I know God loves me…but sometimes I forget it. Or I can’t believe that I could be loved.
SI makes that feeling go away…not permanently, but it helps me. But I DON’T want to give into it! I’ve gone almost seven days without it. A whole week! It’s just tearing me apart to fight it. I don’t see the point in fighting when I am going to feel so utterly desperate. I feel week. I feel sick. I feel like the weight of the world is on my chest. I can’t breathe.
Maybe it’s finally time for me to admit to someone that I need help…someone who can actually HELP me. I’ve built up the courage before and I’ve been let down every time. My friend doesn’t see how I am, she just complains about her life. And my sister acts like I never even told her. But I am so…depressed I guess the word would be? I hate my life and the direction it’s going. I want to get it back on track. I want this despair to end. I can’t take any more misery.
Any suggestions? I…I feel lost. I feel like there is no one to turn to. Please, someone, help me. I am drowning.
Seven days SI free and I am in complete turmoil, fighting, what I feel like is, to the death. I WANT to win. I just don’t know how to. I’m desperate for SOMETHING. …ANYTHING.
(if anyone wants to email me my email is visiblyperfectinvisiblyscarred@gmail.com)
Keep on reaching out for help. If you’ve told in the past and whomever you told didn’t help – maybe they don’t know what to do either. They most likely don’t want to “betray” you by “telling” someone, and maybe they think they are protecting you in a way. If you hide your feelings – how can people know you need help?
Find an adult you trust and tell them. A youth minister, parent/guardian, parent of a friend, favorite teacher, any adult who you think you can trust. Start out by telling them you feel sad all the time, and go from there.
You CAN win, there is always hope. We ALL need help now and then, and now is a time you need some help.
It takes courage to reach out – and look – you have already shown you have courage by posting here! I know you can do this :).
Best wishes, Pam
Hey Girly!! Hold on strong! We love you!! You can make it! I know you can!! I found this next part on the internet, maybe it’ll be comfort to you..
I WANT TO LIVE!
I want to live not merely survive.
Isn’t that what life is for?
I want to sing and dance.
I want it all … I want more.
The sun shines down
I feel the heat.
I feel my heart
as it starts to beat.
The ground begins crumbling.
I’m coming alive.
I reach for the stars
up high in the sky.
The doves fly around me
A symbol of peace.
The world is mine.
I feel a release.
Blue skies are here
and I pray they will stay.
It is about time
I found my way.
Lost in the dark
Spirits so low.
At long last
I feel a glow.
Passions of love
go through my head.
I feel so alive
where once I felt dead.
Love is the power
You are the key.
I came alive
when you said you
loved me.
The flowers are blossoming
and so am I.
I take a deep breath
I let out a sigh.
You reap what you sow
and get what you give.
I want the world to know
I want to live.
I planted the seeds
and watered them well.
A world without love
Is living in h___.
Don’t just exist.
Don’t just survive.
Stand up and shout
I’m glad I’m alive.
I know exactly how you feel. The one word to describe me would be lost. I know I have not found a solution to my problems yet, but we both could. Just telling someone would be make you feel better. Make it seem like someone knows and that you could talk to someone, not just a computer screen.
I wish you all the best. There is hope for us. For all of us. And I just wish we could find it.
I absolutely identify with everything you have said. I have recently started therapy and I am also taking medication- two thingsI thought that I would NEVER do in my life. I too have trouble trusting people for the reasons you described. This process takes a very long time with lots of trial and error-I have found this out the hard way. There are truly nice people out there who do want to help, I hope you find two like I did. Honesty with people you get help from is freeing in a way,even if its just for a moment. Yesterday I admited for the first time to anyone that I often have this urge to SI. My therapist gave me some info. to read about si reasons,why,etc. I have even tried the distractions and they seem to work for now. Good luck to you-