I’m one week SI free today. I feel good about that. I’d be totally lying if I said I wasn’t nervous about it. I’ve tried to stop hurting myself (for good) before, a lot of times. The last time I SI’ed kind of made me think. This week I’ve had to deal with the consequences of the injury and I just don’t want to do this to myself anymore. It doesn’t fix anything, not REALLY. Hurting myself does not make me thinner, it makes me feel uglier in other ways. Hurting myself doesn’t take the anxiety away, it may for a few minutes but then the anxiety returns and on top of it I have an injury to deal with. Hurting myself doesn’t take away the emotional pain, it distracts me from it, but it’s still there. Hurting myself doesn’t make my family accept me and MY family, it just causes me shame than I already feel from them. Hurting myself doesn’t turn time around and make my Mom be nurturing and unconditionally loving. Hurting myself does not take away my fear.
So, self injury, for me, provides a temporary distraction, a temporary release, and a temporary pain that I feel I deserve at that moment. Afterwards, no matter the reason I did it, I feel ashamed. Deeply ashamed. From the first time I did it 10 years ago and every single time in between up to present that is the ONE constant feeling I can say I feel EVERY time I’ve hurt myself.
I’m ashamed of the scars I’ve caused myself, but at the same time I have to accept that it is what it is. I can’t take it back, I can’t change the past. I am in control of what I do to my body from here forward. I’m scared. Today has been especially difficult because I looked in the mirror and I have big self image issues. I don’t even know where to begin to fix that problem.
I have my list of alternatives, I have my girlfriend, I have impulse control logs, I have an amazing friend, I have a therapist who is knowledgable about self harm and who will help me out, I have support HERE , I have myself, and I have a desire to heal this part of my life. So I have a support system of sorts. I’ve tried and failed multiple times, but why not try again ? It can’t hurt 🙂