I’d don’t remember my family being very affectionate towards each other from my earliest days. I doubt I saw my parents so much as hold hands or act like they liked each other until a brief period of time during my early 30s. Yes, you read that correctly. We just weren’t touchy-feely, hug-giving, hand-holding, affectionate people. Why would we be? Expressing emotions verbally or otherwise just wasn’t acceptable unless we were happy. Not satisfied or content. Only happy.
So between this and the abuse I suffered in college, I didn’t want to be touched after age 22. By anyone. I felt empty, “wrong” and completely undeserving of human touch. That and I didn’t really know that touch was comforting. Touch was confusing to me. I just couldn’t accept hugs or pats on the back or a touch of the hand without cringing for nearly 14 years. And unfortunately, I was unable to reach out to my husband and be affectionate in our marriage. I just didn’t know how.
Fourteen years later, I have let light into what I once thought was a black, empty soul. I’m not “wrong” and deserve to be on this earth just as much as anyone else. Now I have this ankle problem that is going from bad to worse every day and I just crave for someone to look at it or touch it. I make the mistake of asking my mom. She refuses to look at my poor, swollen foot or so much as touch it with a finger to try to soothe it. Can she not accept her daughter’s imperfections? I just want a little affection and healing touch from my mom. Isn’t that what Moms are for? I guess if she didn’t do it 30 years ago, she won’t do it now. That is sad to me. So, I will continue to rub my lavender lotion on my foot myself at night. Because I deserve it.
You totally deserve it! I enjoy reading your blogs a lot.I think my family was kind of the opposite, my parents and my siblings and I were all hugs and touchy and stuff. I went through a couple year phase in my early teens where I cringed at the thought of anyone hugging me, I have no clue why. Then all of a sudden I craved touch and affection. I still do. But like your family, it was all smiles, all happy, there was no sad hugging for comfort or holding while crying kind of touch. Hugs and touch was only for good times, love filled moment, happiness, even fake happiness, but never really touch associated with comfort. Maybe that’s why I crave it now. You gave me something to think about.
I so sorry. My heart hurts for you. Yes, that is what Moms are supposed to do. You are so wize however to see the truth, and then love yourself enough to put lavender lotion on your ankle. I was reminded today in counseling of a question she had asked me years ago. “why is it that when your angry or dissapointed in somone else you hurt yourself?” Well, I’m working on that answer. That’s a hard one but, I think this notion of loving one’s self, taking care of one’s self has something to do with it….since I actually cringe at the thought of it. So thank you for sharing your pain and your victory.