Well, it is amazing how much difference a few counseling sessions, 4 AA meetings and a little self TLC can make.  I am very grateful for all of the years of recovery work under my belt and my sponsor of 7 years so that I can actually say it has only been a rough 5 weeks instead of years.  Or I can say that while I relapsed emotionally and I hurt myself I did not kill myself nor did I relapse with drugs and alcohol, thank God!  I can also say that my mother instinct kicked in (my son has never seen me in this condition, he is 11 and was 4 the last time I hurt myself) I picked myself up and forced myself to get help. My son has NO idea who his mother was/can be and I intend to keep it that way, until he’s old enough to understand anyway.

This recovery process is hard.  I was a violent drunk.  I started drinking and using drugs when I was 13, SI behavior at 14. My father was an alcoholic and killed himself when I was 19. I have lived a life time angry, with no one to tell.  I struggle with severe depression and anxiety and self medicated for a long time.  I am 45 years old and only 14 (almost) years clean and sober.  It has been 7 years since I injured, until last week that is.

But today I actually have something to live for, I have something to strive for and it is my sanity, my peace of mind.  Before today I would have said I live for my husband and my son.  But I really can authentically say that living life on the sane side of the tracks is worth living and fighting for!  It’s with in my reach and I’m closer today then I was a few days ago.  My job is to surrender, believe I am worthy, take my meds, go to meetings, go to counseling, talk, even when I feel like I can’t – to people I trust who DON’T take me personally, don’t drink, don’t drug and don’t injure.  Dare I say that would qualify as loving myself?  Well the thought still turns my stomach but I think I’ll leave it at that for now.