Every single day in school is a challenge. the looks of pity from my friends as they look at me; the looks of curiousity from the people that don’t know me; the looks of disapointment from my closest friends. its all because of the SI. I am at loss of what to do anymore. i lie in bed at night and all i can do is look over to where i hid the tools. i wake up every other night bathed in sweat from the nightmares. reliving everything over and over again is the worst. “the past is the past.” how is it the past if you have to relive it every single night. every time i fall asleep. i was watching a movie with my boyfriend and fell asleep. he woke me up a while later telling me that i had been trembling. i need to get this out of my head. how can i live if all that truly matters is SI.
i let it all build up. im one of those people who has trust issues. i don’t trust adults; i never have. my friends try and get me to go to therapy but even they know, i would never talk about it; talk about what i went through. it is so hard for me to trust. i used to be so carefree and happy, unaware that the world was full of messed up people who only want to hurt you. i had to learn it the hard way. it changed me. im scared to go to sleep. im scared to meet people. i am terrified of being touched by people. one of my best friends was patting me on the head and i almost started crying. how can i be so scared of such a little thing, a thing that we need to survive?
It is truly impossible for people to understand how i feel. i live in one of those small towns, where everybody knows everybody, and word gets around very quickly. it’s quite a happy community. the only problems and crimes we have here are speeding tickets and the occasional drug use. but who really cares about that. us girls, we are SO mean. i have never met a town where meaner girls live. our entertainment of the week? making the new girl feel unliked. it really stinks because everyones life here is perfect, all planned out for them. they live in big houses, their parents are together, oh and their still virgins. i would much rather live in a town where people actually have real life problems, not where a huge problem is whether or not their parents will buy them those $500 jeans. seriously i could care less.
i need to SI. i need help, but im scared to reach out. once i admit my problem, i can never take it back. it’s going to be out there in the open. why is it so impossible for me to be happy.