I’m sick of doing things to impress people or to make them change how they treat me but it does nothing. I’m tired of being a slave and bending over backwards just to get a pat on the back from someone that never even comes.  I’m tired of coping through SI and going through life like everything is perfect and I’m fine. I hate that the little things are what make me SI.

I want to be better. It’s not even funny how much I want to be better! I don’t want to SI! I want to stop, now! I hate it. I hate myself for doing it. It helps in the moment, definitely, but I know that I shouldn’t do it. I know I’m going to regret it when I get older and the scars still show.

I just want to be HAPPY. Oh man, that’s ALL i want. I just want peace. Peace would be amazing. I feel restless! Like on edge all the time! I can’t stand it. I don’t know what to do. I hate that all it takes is my sister being a jerk to me to make me break down into tears and run away to my room. I hate hating myself! I hate feeling terrible everyday all day because I can’t stand myself. Why can’t I just be comfortable in my own skin??? Is that too much to ask!? God created me, who are THEY to tell me I’m worthless and make me feel like there’s no point in living!? God gave me this body, who am I to destroy it? Yet that’s exactly what happens.

What do I do! PLEASE tell me now. I can’t take it much longer, I honestly can’t. I’m going to blow up and it’s not going to be pretty. Nothing I do ever is good! I tell my friend I SI, she basically just ignores me when I need to talk and complains about her own life. I told my big sister, she doesn’t even bring it up again and says she can’t help me. I CAN’T tell my parents or they’ll freak. What if I told a youth pastor i know? Anyone thing that’s a good idea?

I’m just so drained. I want to go to sleep and then just lay in bed all day tomorrow. But I can’t. Someone please comment. I need help. Now.