After almost a week of not doing any form of SI i lasted 5 days without it and then did it again and haven’t done it since. It’s been 5 days again.. and yes i usually feel like it’s a mountain that i’m climbing and i’m starting to slip back but today has been a really good day. I love my good days where i have no temptations and it feels good to not be tempted for a day. I usually try and appreciate these days because i usually have bad days over good. The counselor at school resent my referral for therapy since they lost it. When she told me they lost the paper i was clapping then she said she resent it and i was really sad. This is my life long struggle and has been for the last 7 years. I just finished my Senior year at High School and graduation is in a few weeks but right now my brain isn’t thinking about that.. my brain is also not feeling any urges. My friend invited me to the beach with her and i have scars that can’t be questioned so i’m debating whether i’m going to go and hope she doesn’t notice or what .. unsure but i know she wants to go sometime in June which is soon. Anyways today is my good day only because i’m not tempted and i’m pretty cool and relaxed considering that usually i feel this heaviness on my chest, my hands shake and i feel like i can’t breathe during moments where i just want to SI. Today i’m not going to and it feels really good to say that.I know for a fact that sometime this week something might cause urges and me to look in the mirror and want normalcy. What is normal? Normal isn’t how i deal with emotions and processing them because truthfully i don’t know how to process emotions i also don’t know how to look at myself in the mirror seeing my scars and be happy with my body. Going to counseling.. (if i answer the phone call when they actually do call me) will be due to SI and eating issues. I wonder whether i’ll have the guts to even answer the phone because i’m just scared and feel like it’s something that’s just never ending. I always go back and i always have moments where i just stop but in the end i always start back up again. I don’t know i’m just questioning whether getting better is even possible for me….