I admit it. I’m bummed out. It’s a holiday weekend and it feels like nothing special. I’m unemployed again, this time because of chronic pain in my ankle that may require surgery. I’d almost feel better if I knew if and when the surgery would be. I want to move forward with my life. Last night, my roommates (aka my parents) went to a wedding and I was home alone. My very good friend is in the hospital so not only am I extremely worried about her I can’t communicate with her now.
And I called the lawyer. I have an appointment on Tuesday. It’s like its official that I’m going through with the divorce. My husband keeps saying he wants to be friends, to be fair. It’s not about what he wants anymore. And it’s about what I’m legally entitled to.
He left me with NOTHING after I left on his command in October. I got rid of my debit card and he stopped paying for everything. I feel like he just thought I would disappear so my impulse to injure, to disappear is very strong right now. I almost feel like I don’t much exist. I do, though, and I have to keep fighting through these feelings and stay safe. IT’S SO HARD. This weekend especially for some reason, while my brother’s family is away, other friends are away and my friend is in the hospital. I want to feel, to feel alive, to be seen – without having to injure. Once again, I commit to safety.