I’m in a small dimly lit room. I’m in the darkest part sitting on the floor indian style with my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands looking forward. In front of me, maybe 10 steps away, are two open spaces. The room is kind of split in half with a distortion of lights separating the two. The side on the left has a deep reddish seductive sort of light over i. The right side is an ocean color blue mixed with the dim lighting of the room. Behind the two scenes is one door.
I was at work today on a 30 minute lunch break and I was sitting alone, having ate my lunch, just chillin until time to go back. I was kind of in a daze today. I have these days where everything feels hazy. I don’t know what it’s called…I don’t know if there is a term ? The only way I can explain it is it’s like my mind is foggy. I can’t focus, everything feels kind of fake and I feel emptiness but not sadness. A lot of times that I feel this weird foggy feeling it’s a sign to me of an impending anxiety attack and it just gets worse and worse until finally the attack happens…luckily I have medication for that reason and I know when to take it to prevent it. I had that hazy feeling all morning and all day until early afternoon when I took my lunch break, it started to fade away all on it’s on and my mind became clearer. I was just sitting there and I looked down and saw my injuries. All kinds of marks on me and for the first time that I can remember I thought to myself “oh my god, what have I done to myself ?”
Obviously I have had scars before, I’ve been in this battle on and off for ten years…so scars aren’t a new sight to me or anything, but I don’t know? Something just kinda clicked. I panicked a bit thinking again to myself “how did it get this bad? I never meant for visible parts of my body to be like this. When did I stop caring if people noticed or not? When did I become so careless with my self injury?”
Looking at my injuries, old and new, I felt so ashamed of myself, and something popped in my head from the Bodily Harm book…It’s just one sentence. It’s really a very simple statement. I dont know the exact words but it’s something like “You don’t ever have to put another scar on your body if you don’t want to”. It’s so simple. If only I could make the right choice every time I feel the urge to SI. I don’t HAVE to hurt myself, no one is forcing me to, no one is encouraging it.
The thought of never having to put another scar on my body is SO simple. In that room in my mind’s eye I would get up from my contemplative seat on the floor and I would slowly walk my 10 steps and just make a choice. I either quickly step to the dark seductive scary side to my left and walk out of the door feeling ashamed…or take the deep ocean blue breath and step slowly to the right and walk out of the door feeling a little bit proud of myself and a little bit more in control of my life.
I want to never put another scar on my body. What’s done is done, I can accept that. The thought of never hurting myself again is beautiful and makes me giddy and excited like a little kid. Then the demons in me start their ranting about how I’ll always come back to SI, how I’ll never be strong enough to step to the right, they start screaming in my mind and I can’t make it stop. I can either make my impulse move to the left and quickly make it stop for five minutes or I can take my deep ocean blue breath and they wont go away as quickly like if I made the the left choice, but I will be in control and I will know I was strong enough to make the right choice and that will give me a personal power over the demons that are screaming at me, a power to know I CAN do it, if I choose. It’s so simple that it comes down to a choice. Unfortunately the rage and sadness and tears and mania aren’t quite as simple, and up to the point of the actual choice it’s a big confusing emotional blur. But then it really comes down to a choice. Yes or no ?