When I was a kid, about 8 , my Grandpa and Grandma gave me a little white puppy. I named him Joey and I loved him. As cheesy as it sounds, he was my very best friend. My Grandpa died shortly after he got me Joey. I’ll never forget the first time I saw him. Grandma and Grandpa came from Texas to Florida to visit us and I was SO excited because I loved seeing them and when the garage door opened my Grandpa was standing there with a tiny white puppy in a cage. I loved that dog SO much. When my Grandpa died I felt some connection through Joey because we loved him differently than the rest of the family.

About two years later, I came back from  church camp and I was super excited to go pick Joey up from his dogsitter. When I asked when we were going to pick him up my dad flat out told me that we weren’t, that he gave Joey away to his coworker. I was devastated. I cried more that day and the days that followed than any other time in my life up to present. How could they just give away my dog, my best friend, my connection to my Grandpa ? How could they not let me say bye 🙁

I’ve never forgiven them, I know it sounds silly and anyone who isn’t a dog lover wouldn’t understand but it has stuck with me forever. I have had nightmares since then that I would find Joey and he wouldn’t remember me and I always wake up crying. For years my dad has told me to just get over it, stop being such a baby, it was just a dog…etc. He wasn’t just a dog he was my dog and I loved him!

At therapy last week, childhood was brought up and I told her about Joey and when I refused to talk about it because I didn’t want to cry she said it was clearly something I needed to work through so I was going to bring a picture of him today but they are in storage and close to impossible to reach. I emailed Sandra (the woman my dad gave him to, I’ve had my dad check in with her every year since he gave him away) and asked her if she had any pictures could she please send me one. She emailed me back today and sent a couple pictures. She told me Joey died in March. I guess my dad maybe didn’t want to tell me because in March my Grandma died then my cat died, maybe he didn’t want to upset me more.   He was 17, his last couple years were painful because of arthritis so they had to put him to sleep.

My biggest issue with this all these years has been that I never got to say bye and I’ve always worried he thinks I didn’t love him because I didn’t get to explain or tell him I loved him. I’ve always worried he thought I just abandoned him. I’m so sad. I know it may seem silly to be so sad over something that was so long ago but I am. That’s just me.

I can’t stop crying 🙁

I had a totally up and down and manic and out of control day yesterday and I found out about Joey today. I want to be alone and hidden. I never want to seek help because people are mean. I almost feel violent for being vulnerable. I don’t usually feel violent. Maybe I just feel violent towards myself.  When will I learn my lesson to just stop talking to people,trusting people ? If I could just keep everything bottled inside like most people then I wouldn’t be obnoxious, I wish I could stop wearing my heart on my sleeve.