I had a really bad night last night. I was under the influence to make a really long story short. I can’t seem to FEEL completely with out substances. No one believes me and tells me I’m not trying hard enough. But I swear to god I do. My significant other got really upset with  me last night. She says she doesn’t know how to deal with me when I’m like this.She said I always get out of control when I use. It’s partly true. By out of control she means I am a wreck emotionally. She brought me home and I needed to self injure. I felt like I had no other choice. So I did, she walked in on me and started yelling at me and trying to restrain me. During this whole time I was getting sick and dizzy and bawling my eyes out. When I layed down finally with an ice pack, advil, and a trash can in case I got sick…she said whatever I’m not babying you anymore, I’m so sick of this, you are being crazy and I hate this you. I dont know how to deal with you. I stumbled to my computer and blogged a stupid blog on here. At least it was honest.

I woke up in all kinds of pain. I’m so scared of myself . I don’t know what I did to myself and with what and it just freaks me out. Today at work I bought tools before I left. I shouldn’t have, I got them, put them back, got them, put them back, got them. Convinced myself it’s not like I’m gonna use them, I just want them. I bought them, on the way home I almost threw them out the window multiple times (I am completely against littering  but I needed to get rid of them) I didn’t. Then I was faced with where to hide them. I feel so stupid.

I have been doing something some may deem as weird but my cat died in March and I have another cat that kind of  like him just way fatter. I pretend my cat is Max, the cat that died. I pretend so I don’t have to deal the fact he is gone. I can’t. I don’t blame her for calling me crazy or getting so mad at me. I wonder had she known this me when we first got together would she still have fell in love with me?