I only seem to SI when I have no control over a situation, when I’m angry, or deeply depressed. Wow cant believe I’m writing (typing) this down. SI is a release….that’s the only way I know how to put it. It’s an escape….does that even make sense? Am I even going to make an effort to stop this time? I had not done it for so long…and now that I have finally Self-injured, I feel almost relieved…..I saw what I had left behind and now don’t know how long I can go without it again.
I’m afraid. There I said it. I am afraid of stopping. Heck I’m afraid to do it again. It got ..so bad. I think if I hadn’t stopped then I would not be here right now. And now I’m sitting here thinking, that if I do SI again then there’s no coming back. Is that crazy? But then I think that if I don’t, then I will surely do worse. I look at these scars and I am ashamed of what I have done and what I have become. But when I am doing it, its the best decision I’ve ever made…..
When my sister finds out she’s gonna be furious. She tried so hard and has done everything for me. And this is how I return the favor…. But she was gone and I just lost it. How can she ever forgive me? How can I ever forgive myself? I am back to day 1, and tomorrow IS going to be day 2. I’m not going to SI tonight….I can’t.
God, please help me.