I only seem to SI when I have no control over a situation, when I’m angry, or deeply depressed. Wow cant believe I’m writing (typing) this down. SI is a release….that’s the only way I know how to put it. It’s an escape….does that even make sense? Am I even going to make an effort to stop this time? I had not done it for so long…and now that I have finally Self-injured, I feel almost relieved…..I saw what I had left behind and now don’t know how long I can go without it again.
I’m afraid. There I said it. I am afraid of stopping. Heck I’m afraid to do it again. It got ..so bad. I think if I hadn’t stopped then I would not be here right now. And now I’m sitting here thinking, that if I do SI again then there’s no coming back. Is that crazy? But then I think that if I don’t, then I will surely do worse. I look at these scars and I am ashamed of what I have done and what I have become. But when I am doing it, its the best decision I’ve ever made…..
When my sister finds out she’s gonna be furious. She tried so hard and has done everything for me. And this is how I return the favor…. But she was gone and I just lost it. How can she ever forgive me? How can I ever forgive myself? I am back to day 1, and tomorrow IS going to be day 2. I’m not going to SI tonight….I can’t.
God, please help me.
I can understand exactly how you feel. I, too, most of the time feel like have no control over SI. I have not done it in years, and now have started again. I love the feeling when I do it, but only feel ashamed when my partner sees it. I know that I have let her down, even though she is sympathetic. MY therapist does not really know what to do either. I am trying to find support groups in my area (Philadelphia), but to no avail. I am told that I need to find something to distract myself. Even if I go out for a drive for an hour, I still come home and just KNOW that I have to do it. I love tattoos, so my therapist and I thought that if I get a tattoo where I injure, I would not want to ruin them. I think that is a very good idea, but then my partner asked me what will I do in place of that when I get the feeling, but I really did not know. Hopefully something will come to mind.
I hope you are getting some kind of therapy – it can’t hurt, but can only help. Of course, the reason we injure is because there is something we cannot cope with, although I know we like the feeling too. There must be some options because we know we cannot continue this behavir.