I havnt been here for a few weeks I think.  Ive been ok.  I lost some weight since I started my diet almost two months ago which is amazing, considering I did most of it the right way.  Its really helped my confidence in myself and my engery levels.  I have a bunch more weight to go to hit a healthy weight by all means, however the path im on right now works well for me. … well sort of

The days I eat well, exercise and do it the right way, i feel great.

Then theres days like today, where I know I over ate, I hate myself for what I did, and I feel i need to SI to make myself feel better.  Days like today i feel like the bathroom is my best friend for it feels better than SI, well I guess its another form of si but idk.

When did food become the enemy? When did I look at a meal and think to myself “your going to regret that later”.  When did this happen? I almost wish I could control my eating and Si.  I’m not dumb, i read books, i reasrach eating disorders.  Ive seen enough movies, read enough memoirs, and seen enough documenteries to know what I do is dumb and unhealthy. But when I look at food its the first thought I have.    With all this I have a limit. As crazy as I sound I have a limit how many times a week to do this.  I have a limit i swear I do.  But sometimes the only way I can feel better, get out of the slump im in is this.  I love the gym I go to. I love the support the trainer gives me. She actually cares if I show up or not. And for the most part I am eating better for me, and being active like how normal people do it.  But why am I never that “normal” person??? Why are all my thoughts so messed up??

I was thinking of the day I move out of my parents house ( i dont plan on it any time soon but eventually).  I cannot wait for that day. Why? Not because I will be on my own, not because Im ready for responsiblity, no none of that, its so I can SI and not have to worry. Messed up right? I always promised myself the first night I’m away id do it.  And I know when the time comes I’ll feel guilty for doing it, but ill feel worse for NOT doing it.  Does that make me crazy? Why am I able to keep the promise of SI but I cant keep a promise of eating well for three days in a row? Why am I always hurting myself?? Sometimes I wish i could go away and never come back, change my identity and start new, but other times I think to myself Id just be the same person in a different location so it would be pointless.  idk. idk. IDK!