I realized why i bottle things up and it goes way back to my moms ex boyfriend. He screamed at me all the time he would clench his hand and i knew he wanted to hit me but he never did he hit my mom. I think i always blamed myself moments where my mom and her boyfriend would arge i would tell to stop and my mom would blame me for making it worse. I think after that i started to keep my mouth shut and started to keep things in. What he did to me was call me names and scream and he never raped me but he would always make me sit on him and i would push away and he would pull me closer, he was always touchy and i never understood whether that was anything illegal or anything that mattered. He was different with me than anyone else he had me feel uncomfortable when he made me sit on his lap. I don’t know but i feel like everytime i bring that up i’m overreacting maybe what he did was normal and fine . Some reason the touchy part i felt uncomfortable but maybe i’m stupid and it was nothing. Everytime i mention him and the things he did i cry and shut down and that’s what i did. My friend wanted to know if he did anything else than scream at me or abuse my mom and i shut down i got upset got off the computer and got up. One thing was on my mind i just wanted to SI i just wanted to put all the hate i have on him to me. I feel like i’m upset over a stupid reason and the one thing i want to do i’m trying hard not to.
It’s been 4 days since the last time i SIed and right now the urge is strong and my thoughts are racing. I’m thinking maybe my mom getting abused was my fault maybe arguing with him and him knowing he couldn’t strike me made him take it out on my mom. Maybe him being so touchy with me is nothing and normal in some sense maybe i have no right to hate him as much as i do. He lived with us for about 3-4 years and moved and he moved maybe 2-3 years. Why do i still feel all this hate and as if he violated me i have no right to feel this way. All these feelings i don’t understand i just know i want to SI. i feel like a loser for being so tempted over this. I feel like i can’t do it any more….