A few months ago I did something bad. I was in pain and feeling nothing and everything at once and while under the influence I made a very poor choice and it involved a straight guy friend. The issue affected my amazing relationship and ruined a friendship. My girlfriend puts up with a lot from me but this was the worst thing I’d ever to her. She forgave me shortly after I told her. I don’t know how. Is not telling the whole truth really a lie?

That was in early March. Today they saw each other for the first time and my adrenaline shot up off the charts, my heart was racing, I wanted to crawl under my covers and hide there. Unfortunately I was at work so that wasn’t an option. I feel disgusting again. Like dirt. I don’t want to look at myself, I don’t want to look in the mirror and see my eyes. I self injured over it, at work. A few hours before that I weighed myself and I was devastated at the number on the scale. I feel so worthless and gross. I injured before work. I don’t know what led me to do it in places I never have before on my body. I don’t know what the significance of that is but I did and it felt good and bad. Punishment. I deserve punishment.  So much for my doing better in the SI department.

I’m going to try to not let that part get me down. I self injured, I caused the pain and now I have to deal with it until I heal. Hopefully I’ll make better choices tonight and tomorrow. I say that but in my mind there is a voice telling me how disgusting I am because of how I look and how gross I am because of that incident mentioned earlier. I want to hide from the world so no one will have to deal with me. I want to hurt myself until I can’t take the pain for one more second and then push it to tears and then the next day when it hurts I can blame it on myself for looking how I look and that disgusting terrible thing I did. I talked to him about it tonight and he said he feels a little bad but that it’s half my fault and continued with saying dirty vulgur  but honest things and I can’t say the rest on here but it just brought me back to this guilt ridden disgusting place. In this place, I feel I deserve nothing but pain. It’s my penance for my sins. My punishment for letting myself gain weight since January.