I was in school today. I was fine. I got into the car with my dad. I was fine. I got home and my mom was there and I lost it. I went to the bathroom before she could notice and I told myself to just put on a smile. Just make a happy face and everything will be fine. Well, I did put on a happy face and I did smile and act like everything was fine. But it wasn’t. Nothing is ever okay. I want to SI right now more than anything. I know I won’t feel okay afterwards, but I’ll feel okay that second I do it. Is it worth it?? I feel like it is but I know it’s not. It’s like mind over body but my bodies winning. It would be so easy to go downstairs and tell my mom what’s happening. Why I never act actually happy anymore. But no. All I would be to her then is a disappointment.
Like you read on my post, I felt the same exact way! But really, that is not true at all. She will love you no matter what!
I feel the same way i have this fear that i’ll just be seen as a disappointment but the other half wants to tell her. You see when i want to SI and don’t i become irritable and i give attitude to my mom and i feel if she knew what was going on she would be more understanding and know. If i told her she would know that i’m not really upset at her but i’m fighting the things i want to do.
That is EXACTLY what happens to me. She gets mad because I’m “grumpy” but really I’m just fighting the urge to SI.
She tells me ” i’m really tired of your attitude you’re never gonna get a boyfriend or a husband this way” and it’s just the fact that she doesn’t understand that i’m irritable and i wanna SI and i’m trying to fight it.