I’m upset over something stupid. I’m upset enough to injure but I’m trying this whole blogging thing instead. So far so good :/ it helps that I don’t have any tools ready to use and my gf is asleep and I’d wake her up.
I had my therapy appointment today. It went well. I can tell I feel a lot more comfortable now with her because I can sit in silence and think and it doesn’t feel awkward. I leave feeling encouraged and full of thoughts. I have a hard time talking about embarresing things so I just stop mid sentance and say I don’t want to talk about it but she says I’m doing great and it’s ok and then I feel ok enough to continue.
Now to the reason I’m upset. The past 5 months since I started trying earnestly(again) to stop self injurying and drinking, all I’ve had people tell me is it’s ok to be vulnerable, it’s ok to feel how you feel…etc. All these people being professionals in this field and a couple close friends and my girlfriend. So I’ve been trying to not beat myself up for feeling whatever I feel. This is a gross vulnerable feeling and it makes me cringe but I have been doing better.
There was a woman I knew a while back, she was a pastor and also a counselor for the alcohol/drug addicted men in the church recovery program. She sent me an email last month asking me how I was doing and for a life update. So I gave it to her. She recently responded and I got mad…or defensive…something like that. Basically she told me to “get over it and move forward” in more gentle words. She told me terrible stories of some of her clients. Abuse, trauma, neglect, and some other things that were so terrible I don’t think they would even be ok to post on here just due to graphic nature. She also said basically people need to stop blaming thier parents or whoever hurt them and move on.
My issue with this is…I put off seeking help for a long time because I felt like my stupid issues are in no way comparable to people who have had a really tough messed up life, terrible childhoods, people who have REAL pain and issues, that it’s ok for them and acceptable and understandable for them. Not me though, I feel like I’m just an oversentive baby who feels too much and thinks too much and I do not deserve any help from anyone because I feel like anything bad that has happened, I’ve brought on myself because I just take things too personally. I can’t really explain it. So who is right? I was just starting to listen and believe my therapist and people at S.A.F.E that my feelings do matter and that it’s not stupid and that I’m worth it and then I got this email and I feel stupid again and want to take back anything I’ve told anyone and stop therapy and medications because I do need to get over it. People have had such terrible things happen to them and they deserve help, not me. That’s just how I feel. Only about myself though. I don’t BLAME anyone for my self injury, I don’t blame my alcohol abuse on my parents. The therapy lately has kind of been focused on my family and childhood the last few weeks and now I just feel dumb.
I don’t even know if that made any sense. Splitting…I think that’s what it’s called. Now that this person sent me that email I’m mad, I don’t trust her, I think she thinks I’m stupid and whiney, I want nothing to do with her. There isn’t an in between with me! I hate it. I try to calm down but I feel belittled and now back to my original stance on myself that my feelings are stupid and so not worth anyone even listening to.
Had this been someone I felt super close to I would have probably gone on a rampage and found any way to SI immediately. I had my gf read the email tonight because I was all upset about it. She agreed with it and found nothing in it to be upset about. I’m probably taking it the wrong way. I’m not blaming anything on my parents! Though sometimes it’s just a compulsion and it feels uncontrollable , I CHOOSE to pick up the tool, I choose to open the pill bottle, I choose to drink until the bottle aches. I’m not blaming anyone, I take full responsibilty for it. I started therapy, I’ve talked to professional people, I’ve educated myself on it, I’m putting my all into the hard emotional stuff that therapy brings up, all my assignments and stuff. Isn’t that what I’m supposed to do doing?!?! And again,this is why I push people away and I should never confide in anyone.
I don’t know who to listen to. Who is right? I feel like a big waste of everyone’s time. Now that I’m at the end of my blog, self injury feels like what I deserve and I don’t know that I can stop myself right now.