My grandma died about two months ago. I’ve never lost anyoneso close before. At first it didn’t feel real then I “dealt” with it. My mother sent a video of my grandma from the hospital shortly before she went home with a hospice nurse to die. It felt real then and at the time it gave me a kind of peace about it because she looked and sounded like she was ready to die. I couldn’t attend the memorial service because it was in Texas and I live in Florida. Since the day her death became real to me I have pushed the thoughts in my head away about any of it. The past week I have had all these memories of her. Things I had forgotten over time. She was the parent figure in my house for about 5 years and those years were from age 10-15 for me. Important years.

I didn’t intentionally push away the thoughts of my grandma, it’s just been a rough year. I keep saying that and the more I say it the later it gets. It’s May already! My cat of 10 years died and I still can’t feel that. I don’t want to. I just keep having these memories and they are good and bad and confusing and I have been doing my best to remain sober from my alcohol issue but I rationalized it today and I made a poor choice.

I feel like I can only FEEL things all the way when I’ve used mind altering substances. I only cry when I’m drunk. When I do cry it’s like an endless wave of emotion that is exhausting but it feels good. It feels good to FEEL. Why can I only really FEEL my painful emotions  when I’ve been drinking? Sometimes I cry when I self injure because it physically hurts. Sometimes I cry because whatever the self injury is releasing hurts somewhere inside I can’t find and it just comes out, but I can’t put my finger on it.

I almost bought tools yesterday after work. I didn’t, I told a friend and she took them. I feel like I’m fighting against myself. I guess I am in a way. There is a part of me that knows what is wrong and what is right anf what the consequences will be. The other part of me doesn’t care an says screw you to the world. I don’t know which me is me. I don’t want to be defined my a mental illness definition but when I read the definition of borderline personality disorder every single symptom matches me. EVERYTHING.  How can that be ? Should I be medicated my whole life?  Is it genetic? Am I just the one of the family who flew off the deep end? I don’t know how I feel about the diagnosis. It’s nothing new. The first time I read a memoir about a woman who has BPD I immediately said “oh my god thtat is me”.

I don’t know where I am. I don’t know where I stand spiritually. I feel lost. I have had zero motivation to feel better since the beggining of the year. I’m on empty.

At the moment there is a “tool” across from me  that I know I could use to self injure, in fact it’s my favorite and first tool I ever used , and I want to, but I’m writing instead.

I wish I could go back to the me 10 years ago and be my friend. I would go to me the first time I injured, as I cried sitting against the side of my bed, terrified of terrorist, and I would hug and hold the 14 yr old me and tell me gently to not do it. I would tell me, and any of you reading this that have recently started to self injure…

“Just feel it,I know it hurts, I do. Don’t be scared. Don’t hurt yourself sweetie. It’s not worth the scars and shame you will feel later. It IS a release, it does make things feel a little better for a minute but it doesn’t solve anything, it doesn’t help, it only hurts in the long run. It hurts SO much more than it helps. It’s dangerous and can lead you down a dangerous path. You can do this, you can let yourself feel the bad things, it wont kill you…even though it seems unmanagable right now. You feel like you have no other outlet and no one to turn to. You are scared to tell your parents, to tell anyone. You are scared someone will find out, someone will walk in on you in the act.  You are scared they will leave you, they will tell on you, they will fear you, they will think you are crazy. TELL someone. Ask for help. Being vulnerable can be very scary and it will hurt when someone reacts in a hurtful way but it’s ok. Tell someone, write about it, draw about it, scream and yell and paint about it. Don’t feel alone because you arent. It feels like you are, you may feel crazy and scared and ashamed and angry but just remember you are definitely not alone and you are beautiful in your own way. Don’t hurt yourself, it solves nothing and it can consume you. Stay strong and feel what you need to feel, cry when you need to cry.”

That’s to anyone reading who is scared and feeling alone. You arent alone 🙂