The urge is back. Right at this very moment. I’m scared….literally, scared. My heart is beating so fast that I can feel it.
I’ve gone almost a week without SI. Tomorrow is six days. I should be thrilled, but I’m not. I’m terrified that the urges will start coming back again. It’s like SI makes you feel better for a little while but wears off. Like a really long lasting drug.
My friend told me that self injury is actually the “easy way out” to dealing with problems. I don’t agree with that, does any one else? I feel like self injury is a way to escape when you don’t know any other way to get relief. It’s not that we are using it so that we don’t have to deal with things the “hard” way.
To me, this is what people who SI are… selfLESS (to the point of too much, but at least are not endangering other lives). It’s sad what we go through to protect others from our pain. We hide it because they can’t handle it when we are the ones suffering. Now that is sacrifice. I applaud people who have overcome SI, though, because its got to be one of the hardest things anyone can do. SI is a way out, but it in NO WAY is easy. It’s actually more difficult because we have to deal with the urges and scars that come with it…plus the situation never goes away or gets better anyways. It’s a distraction in a way, but will never work forever. Honestly, I hurt for people who hurt themselves. It makes me sad that people hurt so deeply that it is their only relief of emotional pain. Yet…here I am…as someone who does exactly that. Yet I don’t feel sorry for myself. Again, we are selfless.
Do I even make sense? Probably not.
I hate feeling the way I do everyday. Would it be better to get help? Part of me thinks I have depression, another part doesn’t. I looked up bipolar disorder and was scared to find that I match most of the description of the second type…but that couldn’t be me either. What should I do?
I’m so utterly confused.
My chest feels heavy. I want to cry. But i can’t. Why? I don’t know! My tears ducts don’t work or something. I had a good day today by anyones standards. It was a really good day. So why do I feel like this at night? Why am I so…sad? I don’t understand! I want to be better. I want to be okay. I want to be able to go through a day without thinking about SI. But is that even possible??
you’re totally right! SI is NOT the easy way out. It’s my last resort. I don’t like self injuring, but somehow i can’t help it. I hope i understood your your ‘story’ correctly.
With me it’s like this….. I’d rather take someone else’s pain away, than seeing them hurt. But i can’t handle all this pain that i’m taking from others. So SI is my way out. But not the easy way out…
But i can’t even imagine putting my pain onto someone else, if you understand what i mean.
I hide my self injury, because i know it will hurt the people i love… My friends, my parents, my familly. I don’t want anyone to feel the pain i feel. I wish there was a way that i could take other people’s pain away, without taking the ‘ain for myself…. I hope you could make sense of all that, that i’ve just written! LOL!
Strongs girl, resist the temptations! You’re stong enough! I believe in you!
You are right. I do it because i don’t want to be a burden and express my feelings to others. I wanna protect them and the only way is to do it to myself. Dealing with urges is a hard thing and it’s what makes the situation not easy to get out of. We deal with scars that remind us and tempt us and the urges and hidding is another thing we have to deal with. I can’t tell my mom or dad because i feel like i would hurt them i would worry them and that’s the last thing i want. I feel like telling would make me a bad influence on others so in a sense i’m protecting other people. I almost hit the 2 week mark yesterday but i SIed sunday and i’m tempted today but i’m trying and that’s all we can do.
I disagree with SI being the easy way out. For myselfm I wish I had never done it. I don’t talk to my significant other about it too much anymore because I know it hurts her. Even though we have been together for almost 4 years.
“My chest feels heavy. I want to cry. But i can’t. Why? I don’t know! My tears ducts don’t work or something. I had a good day today by anyones standards. It was a really good day. So why do I feel like this at night? Why am I so…sad? I don’t understand! I want to be better. I want to be okay. I want to be able to go through a day without thinking about SI. But is that even possible?? ”
Those words could be out of m y own mouth. I feel like my tear ducts are broken too.
People that don’t SI don’t understand how difficult it really is to control and stop yourself. I have been doing SI for the past 20 years, since I was 12 years old. I do it because I feel like no one really cares about me or how I feel. While the SI has slowed down over the years, mainly after I became pregnant and had my 2 children, I am still tempted most of the time. I have bipolar disorder, take medication and see a psychiatrist, but that does not help with the SI. SI is a behavior and has to be unlearned, but to me it’s a last resort. I start to have racing thoughts of bad things and then lose all control, much like what is happening tonight. You have to know that there are a lot of people out there just like us and over time I believe things will start to become easier to deal with, at least to the point that we won’t have to SI. I even got a tattoo on my forearm over some of my scars that says “This Too Shall Pass” to try to remind me to stop and think before I injure..still working on that though…Just remember that we are all here for each other and know exactly what you are going through…
It’s funny how you understand completely how I feel about why I used to SI. Everyone would just unburden themselves upon me and I would take it all and try to relieve their pain. I could never open up to anyone else about what was hurting me because I didn’t want to appear emotionally vulnerable. I didn’t cry for at least a year. i was numb. I wondered for so long if my tear ducts were broken too! Some people who have never SI don’t understand what it is that we go through and a lot of the time people have the misconception that it is only a cry for attention (I’m not saying that that is not true in some cases). I have always found that nights are the hardest. I tend to go a bit crazy. I get racing thoughts and feel like no one likes me or I’m not good enough… etc. I fight with my friends and push them away. Nights are bad because I feel most alone.
Also, I used to worry so much about labels. Depression was such a big scary word to me. I gave that silly word power which in turn gave it power in my life. Don’t let labels define you! You are still you regardless of whatever diagnosis you’re given.
hey im right there with you it has been 3 months for me and it still hasnt gotten any better at the urges. so u r never alone our here in the world just remember how hard it is to start over again and again. im not going to tell you to stay strong. That would just be stupid. so dont worry we are all here for te same reason. dont give upp im not going to say it gets easier. Trust me it doesnt but i will tell you that the need gets less and less as you say no to it
Thank you guys SO much for commenting. It is a good feeling to know I’m not alone, but a sad feeling to know that other people suffer as much as me and more. But helping each other is what we’re here for.
I almost SIed last night after a full week without doing it but my friend talked me out of it. I had just been attacked about my weight from my family and just felt like garbage. I was fighting the urges sooooo much.
I feel like it’s a magnetic pull, the urge to SI. Like I’m fighting an invisible hand. It’s scary because I sometimes just want to SI to get it over with, get my relief, and to get rid of the urges. I just want to give in because it’s too hard to fight it. I know that’s the wrong way to think but I can’t help it. Is that like anyone else?
Thank you all again for the comments. I really appreciate them and I’ll be coming back to read them often for encouragement.
That’s the good thing about havng a friend who knows because they’re there for you when you need them the most. I feel the same way i feel like it’s wayyy to hard mentally and physically tiring to fight the urges. I understand the whole wanting to give in because it’s way to hard to fight it’s not weird to think that. And with the whole people not understanding i had a friend say “immature people do this to themselves” she didn’t understand that doing this has NOTHING to do with maturity level. Sometimes i just wished others would understand us and why we do it. I’ve had friends who would just roll their eyes at me and say ” Just stop already” but they don’t understand that it’s hard to stop something that you’re so use to doing.