The urge is back. Right at this very moment. I’m scared….literally, scared. My heart is beating so fast that I can feel it.

I’ve gone almost a week without SI. Tomorrow is six days. I should be thrilled, but I’m not. I’m terrified that the urges will start coming back again. It’s like SI makes you feel better for a little while but wears off. Like a really long lasting drug.

My friend told me that self injury is actually the “easy way out” to dealing with problems. I don’t agree with that, does any one else? I feel like self injury is a way to escape when you don’t know any other way to get relief. It’s not that we are using it so that we don’t have to deal with things the “hard” way.

To me, this is what people who SI are… selfLESS (to the point of too much, but at least are not endangering other lives). It’s sad what we go through to protect others from our pain. We hide it because they can’t handle it when we are the ones suffering. Now that is sacrifice.  I applaud people who have overcome SI, though, because its got to be one of the hardest things anyone can do. SI is a way out, but it in NO WAY is easy. It’s actually more difficult because we have to deal with the urges and scars that come with it…plus the situation never goes away or gets better anyways. It’s a distraction in a way, but will never work forever. Honestly, I hurt for people who hurt themselves. It makes me sad that people hurt so deeply that it is their only relief of emotional pain. Yet…here I am…as someone who does exactly that. Yet I don’t feel sorry for myself. Again, we are selfless.

Do I even make sense? Probably not.

I hate feeling the way I do everyday. Would it be better to get help? Part of me thinks I have depression, another part doesn’t. I looked up bipolar disorder and was scared to find that I match most of the description of the second type…but that couldn’t be me either. What should I do?

I’m so utterly confused.

My chest feels heavy. I want to cry. But i can’t. Why? I don’t know! My tears ducts don’t work or something.  I had a good day today by anyones standards. It was a really good day. So why do I feel like this at night? Why am I so…sad? I don’t understand!  I want to be better. I want to be okay. I want to be able to go through a day without thinking about SI. But is that even possible??