I want to hurt myself. RIGHT now.  I’m scared. I may have taken too much on accident. I don’t want to die, I just want to not feel anything. Or maybe I just want to feel SOMETHING. I’m so confused by myself. I’m just scared. From journaling and impulse control logs for the past couple years I have read them over and the most common reason I SI is …1. fear…2.anger…3.body image.

I want to right now because I’m scared. I want to know how I’ve gotten this out of control. They are all choices, everything I do unhealthy is a choice, I know this. Why can’t I stop though? I always intend on doing well but somewhere alone the way I slip up. I’ve been SIing a lot less this month but I’ve realized I’ve just replaced it with something else.

Today I started having withdrawl symptoms from an anti anxiety medication my Dr. precribed. So addictive. I’m so addicted and I don’t want to stop. The though makes me want to injure. Everything makes me want to injure. If I were home alone right now I know I would. If there were a locked door I know I would.  My girlfriend is home, there are no doors with locks. Self injury is private. I need this outlet, I’m so glad to know I’m not alone with this issue. I want to, I want to, I want to. I wish I were home alone so I could, but I’m grateful I’m not because I would.

scared…addicted…pain…desire…need…scarred …ashamed…scared scared scared…slow slow slow scared

BREATHE Steph