Well, I did tell my guidance counselor, everything, on April 28th. Which got me admitted into the hospital. Again. I got out after a week, but I’ve been in partial since then. It’s been awful, I had a panic attack while I was in the in-patient, and another one in PHP. Ironic, because two of my meds are for anxiety. I met a lot of cool people though. It really helps to know people who you can actually act how you feel instead of having to be always “happy”. Like, with them, I know when I’m actually happy, whereas at school I can rarely tell the difference between the mask I put up and being truly happy.
I really want to self harm. I feel so down right now and my head feels like it’s going to explode from all the racing thoughts. I’m so scared about what people are saying at school. I may not even be going BACK to school this year, which would help a bit I guess since come next year, everyone will have forgotten about it. But I have so much work to do…. it’s not even funny… I get so stressed out just from thinking about it. I really want to talk to someone, but I don’t know what to say. I don’t have any words left. I just want to cry my eyes out and get everything that I’m holding in OUT. But it’s almost like I can’t cry, even though I really want to…I don’t even know anymore. I want life to stop, for two months, so I can get my act together. But you can’t really pause or fast-forward life, which stinks. I used to want to die. I don’t really anymore, because there are things that I really am looking forward to and that I want to do. But at the same time, I do. I just can’t take this. I’ll be in therapy three to four times a week when I get out of partial, not to mention that if I relapse again I’m going residential. What kind of life is that? It ISN’T a life, and one that I don’t want to live. And people at school, well, it’s already as if I AM gone there since I haven’t been there in three weeks. I don’t even know. My heart and soul are broken down, and I have no fight left.