Well, I did tell my guidance counselor, everything, on April 28th.  Which got me admitted into the hospital. Again.  I got out after a week, but I’ve been in partial since then.  It’s been awful, I had a panic attack while I was in the in-patient, and another one in PHP.  Ironic, because two of my meds are for anxiety.  I met a lot of cool people though.  It really helps to know people who you can actually act how you feel instead of having to be always “happy”.  Like, with them, I know when I’m actually happy, whereas at school I can rarely tell the difference between the mask I put up and being truly happy.

I really want to self harm.  I feel so down right now and my head feels like it’s going to explode from all the racing thoughts.  I’m so scared about what people are saying at school.  I may not even be going BACK to school this year, which would help a bit I guess since come next year, everyone will have forgotten  about it.  But I have so much work to do…. it’s not even funny… I get so stressed out just from thinking about it.  I really want to talk to someone, but I don’t know what to say.  I don’t have any words left.  I just want to cry my eyes out and get everything that I’m holding in OUT.  But it’s almost like I can’t cry, even though I really want to…I don’t even know anymore.  I want life to stop, for two months, so I can get my act together.  But you can’t really pause or fast-forward life, which stinks.  I used to want to die.  I don’t really anymore, because there are things that I really am looking forward to and that I want to do.  But at the same time, I do.  I just can’t take this.  I’ll be in therapy three to four times a week when I get out of partial, not to mention that if I relapse again I’m going residential.  What kind of life is that? It ISN’T a life, and one that I don’t want to live.  And people at school, well, it’s already as if I AM gone there since I haven’t been there in three weeks.  I don’t even know.  My heart and soul are broken down, and I have no fight left.