“I have learned now that while those who speak about ones miseries usually hurt, but those who keep silence hurt more. “- C.S. Lewis.

How 100 percent true is that statement! This quote has been in the back of my mind for weeks and it just made sense. We, as people who SI, are the silent ones. We don’t speak of our hurt, our hurt can’t really be expressed with words. We are silent…we hurt more. Yet no one ever really notices that.

I told my older sister that I SI the other day. I couldn’t believe that I actually went through with it. But, actually, I didn’t have to say the words. She GUESSED. It’s as if it was written on my face. I told her I wanted to talk to her about something serious and she just like knew. My sister has been through A LOT in her life and has tried SI before but it didn’t work for her like it does for me, so I think that’s why she saw past my plastic smile. She said to me something like,  “You know, I don’t peg you as someone who is perfect and has it all together like everyone seems to do. I see you as someone who is THIS depressed…” referring to SI. She gets it, why can’t other people?

Of course, she was sad that I have to hurt myself to feel better. She asked me a million questions before I had to leave…which I kind of liked. I liked having someone actually CARE how I feel, instead of brushing my feelings off as nothing.

I think I’m coming to realize that the ones who seem to have it all together, the “perfect” people in this world, are the ones who need the most help, who are hurting the most, and who just need someone to care about them.

I am one of those people. My username clearly describes that.

I haven’t SIed in four days. I’ve had the urge really badly, but I didn’t give into it. I don’t know what stopped me, but I’m glad it did.  But I just want to know…does it get any easier? Does it get easier to resist the urges? Do you find another way to deal with those strong emotions or will SI always be something I call fall into yet again?

The fact that I SI will never be known to anyone in my family but my big sister and I refuse to tell a doctor or psychiatrist. I don’t want the label…I don’t want it on my permanent record. I don’t want to be put on antidepressants and risk my life insurance to be taken away because I hurt myself. But is that even possible? Can I go through life with depression and never get it treated and still be okay?

I need encouragement. Four days seems like a long time to me, but I’ve gone two months before so clearly four days isn’t something to be proud of.  I’m just confused and I feel helpless.

Those who keep silence hurt more…isn’t that the truth.