I have a therapy appointment in about an hour. This will be my 9th session with this woman. I think this is the first time I will be going without taking an anti anxiety pill or using other substances to calm my nerves. I’m freaking out inside. Not because SHE makes me nervous, I think today I’m especially nervous because I don’t have much to talk about.

I threw my bottle of anti anxiety pills up in the top of this little tiny closet in the back of my apartment where I know I wont go get it because it’s dark and it’s Florida and it’s hot and there are more than likely spiders up there. I hate spiders. I think it’s messed up that I have to trick myself like that. I wish I could do the same thing with tools. I could, but I would just find something else or make something else. I SI’ed last night. To be honest, I don’t know why. My girlfriend and I are having an issue, not a huge issue. After we talked about it she left to get some dinner after my urging her to go alone. I already planned on hurting myself, I needed to be home alone for that so I got her to go. I can be manipulative I guess ? Anyway, she left, I took my oppurtunity.

She cleaned out my car for me two days ago and when I got home she said “I found your little stash in your car”…I said “what are you talking about? “(I had forgotten I had hidden a tool and first aid items somewhere in my car…it must have been at least a year ago). I laughed and told her I wouldn’t have used it anyway if I had found it because it’s unsanitary. She didn’t think that was very funny. I don’t know why I did.

Since I threw my medication up in the spider closet and I’m too smart to drink and drive, I have no choice but to go in like this. Just regular me.