As of right now I am about to lose it. I’m sure I’m not the only one here who has felt that hopeless feeling. It’s in my chest.  I can’t breathe. I feel that there is no point in doing anything. I feel numb.

I want to get better.  I decided to google ways to help people who SI. SAFE Alternatives came up and I navigated my way here. I have to admit I’m nervous to post something, but also relieved that I found a website where people who SI can help and support other people who do the same thing.

SI-ing has been something I’ve been dealing with for a while now.  But it has never been this bad. It’s increased.  Each day I told myself “No, this is it. This is the last time. I’m done.” But the next day something will happen that will cause me to need a release, and I go straight back to SI. Am I the only one this happens to?

I can’t tell ANYONE that I SI. I told two of my good friends once and now they don’t speak to me anymore, even though I got help from a school counselor. Now that school is out my friends don’t even ask me how I’m doing. I told another one of my friends from school and she told me I need to tell someone–a family member or something. But I CAN’T. I’m scared to say why, but I literally cannot tell anyone in my family or a youth pastor at church or anyone. It won’t help anyways!

Plus, I hear that insurance companies don’t pay for treatment for SI because it is self-inflicted…and we do not have the money to pay for it at all. Telling someone would just make matters worse. I’d feel even more guilty for making my parents pay to get me help.

Please, tell me what to do. Each day I wake up with SI-ing on my mind and it literally doesn’t go away. I can’t wear shorts. I can’t wear short sleeves. I can’t go swimming or go to the beach because I can’t let them see. When my emotions get pilled up throughout the day I have no other way to feel better but to SI.  Everyday I just feel worthless, guilty, hopeless. I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to hang out with friends. I don’t want to do ANYTHING. I just want to feel better…but how?