Its late at night…i cant sleep…i feel the urge to si like really badly right now…the only thing that is keeping me from doing it is that i wld have to move my tool from the hiding place i have and that would wake up my sis…urg i wish the urge would go away.

Im having a hard time getting it to do so…im at the point where im trying to be happy and this involves quitting si because it seems to control me but i dont know wat to do…plus one thing that would make me happy would prolly be living at my mom’s but idk how to tell my dad, because if i do then he will tell my stepmom who would overreact…

i was happy to hear that a friend who almost died a few days ago didnt even though he wished he had…but i just wish i could help this friend…

i need find a way to cope wit the fact that i ruin ppl’s lives though i dnt purposely do so…i wish i cld just quit si once and for all but it just seems to taunt me every time i quit for a lil while…and i keep thinking this would be better if i hurt myself though i know it wouldnt,,,

i have been si free for almost a week….and im proud of myself though only a minor accomplishment…i really want to si right now but i cant…but i feel so numb and hopeless and i cant sleep bt im still going to try to fight the fight even though i really wanna give in.