I’m eleven days away from being 8 months clean, but right now, it almost seems impossible. I feel as if eleven days is eleven years. I feel tears growing in my eyes just thinking about it, because I put myself in this position and in this state of mind that being clean would be a good thing for me and that this was what I want. And right now, being clean doesn’t really sound like something I would want. Being the opposite sounds sooooo much better. I’m not promoting that being clean is a bad thing, NO.

What I’m saying is that maybe the day I thought being clean would be the best thing for me was too soon. That I didn’t have a dark enough time to remind me that going back would be a big mistake. I love the fact that I count because the increasing number is all that’s keeping me from doing anything. Seriously. I bet you that if you left me alone for an hour or two with something, I’d use it, despite the fact that my days keeping adding up to something that means more to me than anyone else.

I just think it would be a whole lot easier if I just had someone by my side every day telling me that doing this is the right thing and that it will all be worth it years from now, because it will show yourself how strong you can be and how much stronger you will become. I’m so alone in all of this, yeah, I have friends, teachers, and counselors to talk to, but it’s not like they’re really there for me. I just wish there was. I wish I could go back and do something so bad that just the thought alone would horrify me, but I don’t. And that almost scares me to death.

Just knowing that I’m capable of doing almost anything is absolutely terrifying to me, because if I had access, I’d go freaking crazy right now.