I started weaning myself off one of my medications. It’s the one that is a mood stabilizer. It will take 8 weeks to come off of it the way I’m supposed to. I hate taking the medication. This was mentioned in therapy last week. I was in a terrible mental state before I started them and I talked about that, so she asked me why would I want to stop taking medicines if I feel better than before. My answer was, and is, I don’t know. I just don’t want to take them. I want to see if I can manage my emotions and mood swings and on my own. I know right now this is a bad idea. I haven’t asked my psychiatrist, but I think I will call him this week. It’s been 4 days since I lowered the dose (It’s a medication you have to come off slowly to be safe) and today I felt so angry. I don’t know if it’s a side effect of stopping the medicines playing in my brain or if it is the real me emerging slowly out of the fog. I am terrified. I know it’s not a good idea, but I’m so curious to know how I really am. Also, my insurance is different and a medicine that used to cost me $4 is now $67. I don’t know why I think I can handle myself off of medication when I’m on it now and still self medicate with SI and other substances. I go back and forth and back and forth and back and forth.

I want to hurt myself right now. Right now and last night and all week. I want to so badly. I havnt. I made a tool today at work. For comfort purposes,just to know it’s there if I need it. I had no intention of using it. I threw it away. The books say there is always, or generally, a feelings that leads to the impulse to SI. If I were to fill out one of S.A.F.E’s impulse control logs right now…when I ask myself
what I am feeling: i have no clue
what would SI accomplish: I have no idea, nothing good
what SHOULD I be trying to communicate: I DON’T KNOW.

It just feels like a compulsion. I havnt slept more than 6 hours the last two nights combined. I lay down and close my eyes and my mind goes 100 mph and my eyes are heavy and burning but my body is so tense and I can’t relax. I hadnt taken my anti anxiety pill in a couple days and I did this evening and in about 20 minutes I felt my body, my muscles, my thoughts, just let go and relax and I realized how uptight and tense I am lately.

Anyway, there isn’t any reason for writing this except to vent and to do something to keep my mind off of wanting to self injure. In 2 weeks I’ve only SI’ed once, that’s so good for me. But now the urge is constant and I feel like the only way to stop it, to slow my mind down, to focus, to feel better, is to hurt myself. It doesn’t make sense, but I’m sure some of you know what I am talking about. I want to hurt myself just to stop the bad crazy racing thoughts. It will help for maybe a minute, maybe 5 minutes max, and then I will regret it and I will be dissapointed in myself and feel ashamed.

I feel like a huge, gross, fat, ugly, stupid, sensitive, scared, little girl. Maybe that’s what I “should be trying to communicate”