I hurt myself today. Don’t even want to try to figure out why… I felt guilty about everything & just stressed that I can’t get all the important work done. I know I have to work 7 days a week for the next 6-8 weeks which doesn’t help. I wish this would be an isolated instance & not the beginning of another cycle… I could’ve kept from hurting myself, but it just didn’t seem to matter. Still doesn’t now… I know that’s not good.
I can’t figure out what’s the matter with me. I feel lonely so I wish I had a friend. But the thought of actually having a good friend scares me… is that weird? I think I’m afraid of the guilt I will feel if I don’t do everything just right regarding them. I also fear they’ll make demands on me & my time. So I tell myself I don’t need friends… the trouble is, it isn’t true. I need people to talk to & people who can invite me do something with my free time besides sit in my bedroom & stare at my computer screen like I’m doing now… I kind of like being alone all the time, but it’s not okay.