I need to start going to the gym again. Every time I walk past a mirror or just feel uncomfortable in my own skin I immediately want to self injure. It’s my first thought, always. It seems to be the only solution. I’ve been thinking about it since last night. I went to a party and ruined my sober streak. Somehow one beer turned in to…? My first thought was to self injure…like that is going to take back my bad choice? Make one bad choice and fix it with another just as bad choice? That doesn’t make sense. I got home late, got a few hours of sleep and now I’m up to go to work early and stay all day and I’ll be alone for three and a half hours. I didn’t SI last night, I was too tired and lacking in energy and surrounded by people, when I got home I just went to sleep. I thought maybe if I slept on it the urge would go away, or at least fade. This is typical for me, It’s been a little bit since I last SI’ed…maybe a week or so. Around this time I get these urges and going on the past, the urges just get worse and worse and worse and it’s all I can think about and it takes all of me to resist the temptation. The thoughts consume me and to make them go away and stop agitating me, I SI. Another bad choice as a solution. I do want to change. One of my dogs is going to the vet today to get all her shots and she is going to be checked for heartworms. I didn’t know heart worms was such a big deal and I didn’t know she was at high risk because of where we live. Maybe my urge to SI is because of the anxiety there and $ and what will we do if she does. Maybe. I hate my body, It’s 6:30 am and I’m barely awake but all I can think about is hurting myself for how I look, for how I think, for an anxiety reliever. I could just take an anti anxiety pill but I only have a few left and I like to save them for emergency purposes like an impending anxiety attack at work. I hope I do well today and don’t SI. Have a good weekend everyone.