I had a tough day yesterday i went to my weekly meetings with the counselor at school and showed her my recent SI that i did. She told me how lucky i am that it wasn’t enough to call my mom. Then later on i started having anxiety attacks because i was tempted and i had the strongest urge. I tried waiting it out but the temptations wouldn’t go away. Eventually i walked into the counselors office and told her that i was not doing so great. She was afraid i would go and SI because i was gonna go home to an empty house so she called one of my friends who know about me but before she left her question was to make sure i wasn’t going to hurt myself. I went to my friends house and it was okay she didn’t leave me alone and then i went home.. alone in an empty house knowing where everything was. Anxiety kicked back up and all i did was hide in my room under the blankets listening to music and being on this website. I didn’t SI even though it was so hard not to. I started wondering whether telling my mom would help her understand when i say i’m having a tough day i mean it. Today the counselor considered yesterday to be a crisis for me but i didn’t think i was that bad. I feel like i’m always tempted and i start to have these anxiety attacks and i don’t know what else to do. My first impulse is to SI because i don’t know what else to do. I confessed to the counselor today that i started when i was in 5th grade and she ended up calling the counseling that she reffered me to. They’re supposed to call me today or Monday.. and i’m really scared. I wish people would forget i feel like this is impossible and it scares me. Do i need to be in a treatment center for this to go away. Do i wanna end ? I’m lost and this temptation doesn’t wanna go away and i feel weak.
Don’t feel weak. You are amazingly strong for not giving in! I’ve been there honey and I know how scary it is to have to restrain yourself. It’s awesome that you are talking to your school counselor and your friend. Great job! Keep talking. Trust me, keeping a struggle a secret just makes it that much stronger, trust me. People will judge, people will gossip. It happened to me, almost everybody found out. But it blows over. And it’s such a relief to have people know, so I’m glad you told. How did you tell your counselor? I’m at a new school this year and I don’t know how to breach that subject…
Staystrong
Thanks. In my head i feel like i’m weak because when things get tough it’s my first impulse but the counselor and my friend said i’m strong because i’m going through this. I don’t understand how i can be strong. Umm i have 2 friends who know about this and one went to the counselor on a thursday saying she has a friend in need. She dragged me into her office and i didn’t tell the counselor that day. The counselor knew i was hidding something big and made an appointment to meet with her the next day.. when i walked in my friend was sitting there. The counselor reminded me that she knows something’s really wrong and that letting it out would make me feel better. She knew i was nervous and she knew it was something big. I couldn’t form the words out of my mouth so my friend looked at me and asked for her to say it for me… the counselor told me she wouldn’t let it go so i let my friend tell her. Every since i’ve been having weekly meetings every thursday. My mom doesn’t know and i’m trying my best to prevent her from ever knowing.
email me if you need to okay?
i did with updates about what happened friday.