Yes i admit it i SIed last night and i’m sorry. Explain why i feel this urge to do it again. I’m panicking just because instead of doing it i’m writing on this but i really feel like i have to. I’m stressed i feel like this disconnection between my dad and i and he came to visit Sunday and i felt like he doesn’t care. I mean he did tell me i was not his first priority. My mom expects so much on me and then there’s this kid in school who’s bugging me. He has written a fb status about me, put something in my hair, pretty much told me to stand in front of the door so he can slam open the door to hit me. It’s not only those things it’s the fact that the counselor at school sent that refferal to the therapy and i’m waiting for them to call then there’s senior skip day coming up and prom and i can’t have my scars be noticed and feel talked about. What’s wrong with me why do i feel this HUGE urge to do this when i already did it yesterday for almost the same reasons. Maybe it’s because i’m stressed about the whole guy at school bothering me and i’m scared if i tell he’s gonna make things worse for me. I want to SI and not doing it is starting to freak me out. I’m not strong i’m weak for doing this i’m weak for thinking this way. I just wanna run and hide. Why do i have these great days and then all of a sudden a single thought ruins it. I want this feeling to go away because if it doesn’t the tensions going to build up and i know what’s gonna end up happening.
Breathe. It’ll be okay, alright? I know you have an urge to do it now but just think of Friday. SI’ing now is only going to make Friday more dreadful for you. You can get past this, I know you can.
I slept for two hours because i knew if i didn’t get away in a sense i was going to do it again. I already have the on from last night. I’m still a little off about it like i HATE urges it makes me not happy with myself because i just want them to go away. When i don’t do it i fight with like my mom i don’t know why. I didn’t do it though and senior skip day might be reschedualed.
GOOD!! I’m really glad that you were able to make it through it. And that senior skip day may be moved 🙂 You may fight with you’re mom because you’re already angry and upset in your head about wanting to SI but you can’t.
I’m debating whether to tell the counselor at school about me screwing up of course on tuesday BUT if i do there’s a chance she would have to call my mom and she already gave me a talk not to hide anything from her. So i was thinking to avoid her tomorrow since tomorrow is my weekly meetings with her.. 8:30 but she’ll find me. By fighting with my mom it just makes me wanna SI even more.
I always have a hard time telling someone that I SI’ed. I feel like I hardcore let them down. Like they were expecting more of me and I screwed up.
That’s how i felt today. Umm i pretty much had an anxiety attack at school today. I had the strongest urge and i wasn’t sure what to do since i already had my meeting. But at the end of the day i walked into the counselors office and it was because i showed her the new injury i made like monday or tuesday and i felt like i disappointed her. Like i wsa just a big screw up to everyone. She told me i wasn’t and that SI is just a way to release everything i just need to find a new way. We’re not letting anyone down doing this other people scream or throw things we hurt ourselves instead.
Wow, that takes guts just to go up there and show her. I used to deal with everything in other ways, I just don’t remember how I did that.
i use to yell.
I used to just bottle up my emotions and then every like four months or so I would just let eeeeverything out. But now I bottle stuff up and SI. not really a good alternative.
I bottle it up and avoid it all. When i do that i SI
I’ve always bottled things up, so I don’t really know how to get past that.
I know but with me i don’t know how else to get how i feel out there. I mean i don’t communicate to people when i’m upset even my friends know that i bottle things up/
Mine do too. They are always telling me that I can go talk to them and not bottle it up, but obviously it’s not that easy.
Nothing is ever that easy. This is gonna be a life long struggle SI is our struggle. No one’s perfect and everyone has their flaws we just bottle things up and we SI. They can try and understand but they’re not in our shoes to understand why we do what we do.
It frustrates me. Because if they don’t understand, i’m like okay, just let it go then. But it’s like sometimes they get mad because we aren’t “making sense” to them. Like it’s our fault they don’t get it.
i know or they tell us “stop” but it’s easier to just say stop then do it.