sitting here, i look at my scars…..how ugly they are…. That’s just one of the many random thoughts going through my head….
Another thing that’s going through my head is fear… Fear of going to school and looking my friends in the eyes.
Yes, i’ve lied to them, but it was a lie to protect myself. I told them that i talked to someone about my problems, the reasons why i self injure, since i’ve started, but i didn’t….. It was a lie to protect them, give them comfort, and a lie to protect me from all the questions.
Then….. they asked the person that i said i talked to (a girl that was studdying to become a counselor) and she told them that i never came to her. They confronted me and then left me. But…..it’s not like it was a bad lie..it was a little white lie….innocent, and harmless, or so i thought….
I hurt my 2 best friends because i hurt myself… I haven’t hurt myself in 11 days!!! But….i can’t go to them, because we’re not talking anymore.. They can’t say ”congrats, we’re proud of you” because the only thing that they say is, ” this is the last time we’re talking to you about this. GET HELP!”
Don’t they understand that talking about this with friends and people who care can help me more than talking to a professional person? Talking here on this blog, helped me more than they’ll ever know, but they will know and not believe it, because they read what i’m writhing on this blog, even though they promised that they’ll never viset this site ever again. They went against their word, and behind my back…..it hurts..but when i told them that, they said that they had to do it…. It’s not fair….. Why can’t i tell little innocent white lies to protect myself, but they’re can to do it..?? It doesn’t make sence to me.
So…..i’m afraid of going to school tomorrow….afraid of how i’ll act around them. Do i ignore them, like they’re ignoring me? Or do i smile and say ‘hi’ even though they’d probably think ”yes, just another fake smile, hiding her true feelings”
There was a time, in this year aswell, where i couldn’t wait to get to school. Just to be with my friends that kept me strong. And now………??????? What now…….????