i honestly don’t know what to do anymore. i have been self-harming ever since i was 11 and nearly three years have passed since then. i have these days where i just can’t get out of bed. my dad doesn’t understand. no one except for a handful of people know, and one of them betrayed me. she told other people about what i was doing and i had to deny it. i couldn’t accept what i was doing. ironically, my uncle gave me a tool for christmas. oh joy. i don’t understand how it all started. was it my parents divorce or the fact so much stress was in my life?
i stopped for a while but then started again, more often a couple months later. i had to do it to let out all the pain, the anger, of having been used. picked up, used, and left behind. abused. i felt dirty, unclean, unpure. i didn’t go to school for a week. no one noticed what was going on.
it is so hard for me to wear short sleeves and shorts. if not for my being so vain and worried about how i look to everyone, i would have done it a lot more. i lie in bed at night wanting to reach out and grab it. the tool that has ruined my life. i almost went too far that one time. my friend had realized what i was doing and called me, saying that i would regret it. he didn’t know how badly i needed to hear someone say that. he does understand me because he’s been there.
why is it that every time i am finally getting better something happens? i hold all of my emotions in without realizing it and then in one moment, they all burst out. my sister’s drug abuse hasn’t helped. i don’t know if one day i’ll wake up, and she’ll be gone forever, having relapsed. i have hurt several people that i love because of my depression. i don’t trust people anymore. especially guys. i let one into my life and he took the most important thing that a girl has. which i no longer have. i need help but i can’t bring myself to tell the people that could actually help me. is it because i’m too young? after all, i’m only 14.
i let some of my anger out through sports, but it’s not enough. i don’t wanna die. i don’t wanna lose everything. i want to be able to cry, to laugh and really mean it, to have fun.
You know that last thing you said, that you want to be able to cry, to laugh & really mean it, to have fun, try not to lose sight of that. Even though you don’t know how to get there, keep seeking it. If you believe in God, pray for it. You WILL find it!
I promise the title of your post isn’t true. You can stop! I know it’s hard- believe me I know. Once you get with a therapist or someone qualified to help you with your depression, you can get past it. Self injury was one of the biggest hurdles I’ve had to cross, but if it was possible for me, it is definitely possible for you. I was a total mess for about 8 years, and I got past it. Don’t give up. Ever.
it’s so hard. i was so close to tears while writing that. it actually felt really good to let some of my feelings out. that was the first time i’ve really talked about it in a long long time..
Then by all means, keep blogging! If you aren’t comfortable talking with someone in person, then this site is the place for you. Everyone here is or has dealt with self-injury, so you’re not an outcast by any means. In the words of the great Dory, “Just keep swimming”