i honestly don’t know what to do anymore. i have been self-harming ever since i was 11 and nearly three years have passed since then. i have these days where i just can’t get out of bed. my dad doesn’t understand. no one except for a handful of people know, and one of them betrayed me. she told other people about what i was doing and i had to deny it. i couldn’t accept what i was doing. ironically, my uncle gave me a tool for christmas. oh joy. i don’t understand how it all started. was it my parents divorce or the fact so much stress was in my life?

i stopped for a while but then started again, more often a couple months later. i had to do it to let out all the pain, the anger, of having been used. picked up, used, and left behind. abused. i felt dirty, unclean, unpure. i didn’t go to school for a week. no one noticed what was going on.

it is so hard for me to wear short sleeves and shorts. if not for my being so vain and worried about how i look to everyone, i would have done it a lot more. i lie in bed at night wanting to reach out and grab it. the tool that has ruined my life. i almost went too far that one time. my friend had realized what i was doing and called me, saying that i would regret it. he didn’t know how badly i needed to hear someone say that. he does understand me because he’s been there.

why is it that every time i am finally getting better something happens? i hold all of my emotions in without realizing it and then in one moment, they all burst out. my sister’s drug abuse hasn’t helped. i don’t know if one day i’ll wake up, and she’ll be gone forever, having relapsed. i have hurt several people that i love because of my depression. i don’t trust people anymore. especially guys. i let one into my life and he took the most important thing that a girl has. which i no longer have. i need help but i can’t bring myself to tell the people that could actually help me. is it because i’m too young? after all, i’m only 14.

i let some of my anger out through sports, but it’s not enough. i don’t wanna die. i don’t wanna lose everything. i want to be able to cry, to laugh and really mean it, to have fun.