I’ve been sick the past few days with some kind of stomach flu something or other. I don’t know. I get paranoid when I get sick, as that is just how I am. Hypochondriac definition word by word. I hate that about me and am curious if there is a cure other than taking anti anxiety pills.

Anyway, I was half asleep this morning when my girlfriend got up and was in the restroom starting to get ready and she said ” I found your little secret stash”. I didn’t respond because really what is there to say ? She said “hello? Steph did you hear me?” me: “yes I heard you, what do you want me to say? “. She threw it out somewhere, I don’t know where, nor does it mean that much to me to go searching for it. I always have extra. It’s not the first time she has found a tool of mine that iv’e hidden somewhere. I feel bad but at the same time I’m so caught up in myself and in my mind right now it’s hard to see past what I feel. I know that’s selfish and I feel terrible about it.

I don’t know if I’m allowed to post this, but for the record I did not use it, it’s just an example…last week she was cleaning through some office stuff and left tools on the counter, I walked in the kitchen and saw them and my heart immediately jumped with excitement and fear and temptation and fear and fear and well, mainly just fear. I said “Um, Kye, why on earth did you leave these out here ? Do you know how tempting that is to me to know they are even in the house ?”…She said she forgot and that she was taking them to work (she uses those objects at her job, she makes stuff ) and didn’t think twice about it. Of course she didn’t, nor should she have to.

I think I’ve pushed her to the edge. We’ve been getting in little fights that have turned into bigger fights and I’ve been irritable and she has been patient. It has NOTHING to do with us as a couple. It has to do with me and my not dealing well with my family and the death of my grandma and my kitty and cars breaking down and just life stuff that has got me overwhelmed and I’ve been in this “funk” for going on 5 months now.

I was two hours late to work this morning because I looked at the wrong schedule and Kye made a comment about me neing slack with work…that set me off. I have very good work ethic and I am etremely puntual. I HATE being late so when she said that I snapped and I just grabbed my keys and left for work. She is right though, I have been kind of out of it, I’ve messed up my schedule a few times in the past week, I’ve missed more days in the past 4 months than I have my 5 years with the company. I left work early faking sickness a couple weeks ago just on impulse.

This so out of character for me. I asked her later if she was mad at me and she said no. She said that she isn’t mad but that she is frustrated that she can’t pull me up out of this funk and that it’s very hard for her to not get depressed herself and for her to not get angry with me. I completely understand that and she is right. I am being such a pain, my mood swings, my self injury, my overall negative energy. Since I started therapy early last month I’ve had to think about some things that happened in the past that affected me in negative ways and so I’ve just been an emotional roller coaster. I totally understand her frustration, but at the same time…the other part of me is selfish and wants her to be there for me always and to have an unconditional amount of patience and understanding but that isn’t humanly possible, I know. I felt so bad. I was planning on injuring at work but kept getting sick or getting distracted so I decided to wait until I got home.

I don’t know what it solves, it didn’t make me feel better, it’s another injury. I did it because I feel bad for putting so much stress on her. I did it because I don’t feel good and I want my mom like when I was little. I did it because I know how to deal with that kind of pain. I did it because I deserve it because I upset the one person in my life who means the world to me. It’s all twisted. I did it to hurt myself for hurting her ? I don’t even understand. I want to hide under the covers. I do. I just want to hide under the covers in the dark so no one else will have to deal with me.