I screwed up and i’m sorry. I SIed last night and to me i felt like i had no other choice. I feel like my world is spinning and i’m just trapped in it. I don’t know what’s normal any more. When i do it i don’t feel it is that weird? I have so many scars on me and evertime i look at it i get angry at myself. Like what’s wrong with me.. this tension built up to SI over the past week finally bursted last night. All i’m thinking about is how am i going to hide it all for senior prom so my mom wouldn’t see or anyone in general. Then there’s senior skip day and we’re going to the beach what am i gonna do? I’m ashamed of the scars and i hate them and don’t want people to know what i do. When it comes to eating i use to not really eat i went from 115 pounds to 107 when i restricted myself and then my mom found out and i went back up to 115 now i’m 117 and i HATE IT. Some people say I have an eating disorder. One of my friends does but i say it’s just a “diet gone wrong” am i lying to myself? Does eating at least one meal a day bad and when i’m hungry i fight it ? AM i anorexic? I’m lost and confused on who i am. I SIed last night .. i’m probably making no sense at all. It’s like everytime i stop i start again WHY am i trying to stop if i can NEVER do it? I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. I HATE MYSELF. What’s wrong with me? I’m just a big disappointment to the world and to my family and friends. I don’t know what to feel.
Nothing is wrong with you. You sound exactly like me. I SI’ed a few nights ago and my prom is coming up in a couple weeks and I don’t know what to do. I also recently dropped from 115 to 107 pounds. So it’s very strange that you did the same. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You deserve better than that. I promise.
I don’t want my mom seeing my scars when she sees me with a dress. Then senior skip day my whole grade will see it i don’t know what to do.
How much longer do you have until prom/senior skip day. Because sometimes there are creams that help scars go away or at least lighten their appearance. But you may not have long enough for it to work. But I feel the same way. I’m terrified that my recent one isn’t going to go away in a couple weeks.
two weeks till prom. Who’s gonna wanna be my friend if they see this. They wont understand. Senior skip day is gonna be monday maybe and only one person who’s going knows about it.
Hmmmm…so are you worried about people seeing scars or your recent SI? Or both? I’m always scared people are going to notice my scars and judging or not wanting to talk to me anymore. =/
Couple thoughts for you… I know how nerve-wracking this sort of thing is; I was in a similar position a few years ago. I didn’t want to, but I ended up telling my mom about it (downplaying it as much as I could) and she was actually supportive… it helped A LOT. I was able to cover up the scars on my upper arm with a wide stretchy beaded bracelet I made — that’s what I still do anytime I have to put on a swimsuit or real short sleeves. Looks a bit odd, that’s all. Nobody ever asked me why I wore it. Another possibility is to use a Sharpie marker to draw flowers or something nice over the marks… or maybe come up with an excuse & don’t go to skip day?? Good luck & hang in there!
Yeah i’m scared that people are going to see my scars and the more recent one i have. I’m always hidding it like yesterday it was really hot and i wore long sleeves.
jxen1618- Thing is my scars are obvious. I’m not sure what to even do because if kids from my grade realize it their gonna start judging or use it as “if she can do it i can” because my friend did that to me before. If i don’t go to skip day since i’m the one driving some people there then i’m just not going to be liked by many.
I’ve only SI’ed in two places. Obviously my clothes cover up some. But others are a different story. I have these lace things that are supposed to be headbands, but i wrap them around my wrist. People ask what they are but I just tell them that I was wearing the headband and took it off. I know how difficult it can be to hide.
Gahh i had my weekly counseling today at school and she made me look in the mirror and show her the scars. She was surprised and she said they weren’t that noticeable. What she didn’t see was my recent SI and i had something covering it. She said if i did do it i have to tell her and not hide it but if i do tell her i recently SIed it means she’s calling my mom. So today’s meeting me saying what i did was no big deal is probably what caused her to decide i need to go see outpatient counseling. I have refused to sign the paper but she’s giving me today to think of a way to convince her that i don’t need it.
Oh my goodness. How awful. I understand why you wouldn’t want to tell her. Especially with her saying she’ll tell your mom. That would hurt.
I feel like i have no control of anything any more.
I feel the same way. If I can’t control my thoughts our my actions, what am I supposed to do? Have you figured out what you’re gonna do for prom/skip day?
The counselor said the scars aren’t noticeable BUT I SEE THEM and i hate them. She said it’s because they have emotions tied to them. I’m gonna go to senior skip day.. i’m just scared.
My boyfriend says that they aren’t always that noticeable, but I think they are the most noticeable things in the world. I really hope you find something to do about senior skip day.Does makeup help some of them?
I think it’s because it’s on our bodies and we’re self conscious about them which is why we notice them a lot more. Make up lightens it a little but it doesn’t really work which frustrates me.
An older friend of mine who knows about my SI told me something I find slightly helpful: “People who want to like you, will like you anyway. Those who don’t will have another excuse for not liking you.”
Thanks i really like that. It’s true too.
Wow. That’s true. It’s still hard to handle. But that does help.
I have a friend who knows i SI and she has seen my scars but she never changed how she acted with me. She would worry when she knew i was upset she would text me and check me. I guess in a way she shows that she doesn’t care about the scars she likes me because of me. Scars are nothing when it comes to real friends i guess. She calls me strong for going through this i call myself weak for doing this.
That’s really sweet. I have a few friends that know about it, but i try to push them out of it. I haven’t told them about the last few times i have. Only one person knows about it. I fee like if i limit the people that know then I can limit the judgement.
yeah i usually push away and when i have my tempted type days i screw up and usually feel like it’s better to push away then be like yeah i SIed. Then i would feel like i’m a disappointment. I also feel like by pushing them away i’m giving myself a chance to SI without people on my back about it.
That’s exactly how I feel. Like if less people know about it, the better I’ll feel about doing it. Because that’s less people to let down and less people to get angry with me. Which I know we should probably be doing the opposite, but I don’t always want that. I just want people to forget about it so i can do as I please without worrying about other people so much.
Yeah because the less people know the less would worry the less who worry the more you can SI. I understand 100% which is why i WISH my friend never dragged me into the room where the counselor was. I wish she would forget about me.
But then again how terrible is it of us to think like that? Shouldn’t we want people to notice and for people to help? I feel like that’s how I should feel but that’s not what I want. I just want to stay in my own ball that’s happy on the outside and that I can deal with on the inside. Not everyone else should have to watch it or worry about it.
Agree we should think that we want help but to me i kept telling the counselor that “it’s no big deal” because to me i want to keep doing it unnoticed. I don’t want my friend to text me realizing i’m upset because then she text back saying ” talk to me i’m worried” and when she says that she means ” talk to me i’m scared you’re gonna SI” and i hate that. I hate worrying people and disappointing them. If i had a kid and he or she was doing this i would do everything i can for them to stop but i can’t do that for myself. I don’t know any other way to deal with my feelings.
It’s times when I SI when i really wish I didn’t have a phone. Because my boyfriend (the only one who has known all of what’s going on) will text me asking me if i’m okay and I feel horrible when I don’t reply. Especially when I don’t reply because I know in my mind that i’m going to SI and there is nothing that’s going to stop it. And then I have to text him back later and either act like everything is fine or tell him. It makes me feel awful.
Same here because if i don’t text back then my friend’s going to know i did something and then she’ll check the next day. I hate it because once my urge is strong enough there’s no turning back. I just hate that my friend sticks by me and has to see and know what i do.
I know, like, I’m thankful that someone cares enough to stick with me through it. But I put him through so much. And he has to deal with it all the time. It’s not fair to him at all. I wish I could just erase it from his memory so he wouldn’t worry about it or have to check on me or anything.
I wish too i wish everyone could just forget me.
I wish that sometimes, but I know it’s not for the best. We really do need someone to care and to keep an eye on us whether we like it o not. Which usually we don’t but in the long run my boyfriend checking on me has saved me many times.
I just feel like a burden.
I know, I do too. That’s why I wish people would just leave me alone about it. Like, it just makes them upset with me. So why do they need to think about it?
I know. By the way i took my sweater off today but when when people got close i felt uncomfortable and left haha. I don’t even text my friend like i use to she was so helpful but i hate putting her through it when she doesn’t deserve it. She told me she wants me to text her when i have an urge because she wants to be able to help me. Then i think if i SI how would that make her feel.
That’s how I feel every time. Just last night I was “thinking” a lot (which is bad) and I about had an emotional break down. Well, I guess you could say I did. I called my boyfriend and I was just crying my eyes out, and he knew exactly what to do. He just talked to me even though through most of it I was crying. That’s the benefit of having someone there all the time. So when there are times when you want to SI but then again you really don’t want to and you want someone to stop you, they are there.
I just realized that today. My friend saw that i had hair ties and she tried taking them off because she said it’s bad to have them but i backed away. She suspected that i did it again and asked to see it. I didn’t show until after school where i hung out with her then we went to the park and she told me whenever i feel like that to call her and not to think i’m a burden because i’m not. Then i told her i’m not important and she said i was to her because i’m her friend. It’s those moments where you just feel like someone cares during the time you feel like you’re unloved and worthless. I don’t know if i’m gonna be ableee to call her when i have those moments but i don’t know it just felt good to know i have her as a friend.
It would be perfect, except not really, if we could have someone that we could just go to after it’s over. Like the next day. And they wouldn’t judge or get mad at you that you didn’t call them the night before. That would be nice. But probably not healthy
My friend was just upset that i didn’t call her last night when i did it or before i did it. Sometimes when i did text her before i did it she would help me to the point where i wouldn’t do it. She use to SI so she knows but i feel like because she didn’t do it as long as i have that she doesn’t understand. I mean she understands a lot of how i feel and why i do it but not the fact that i feel like I HAVE to do it or i HAVE to have what i use in my room.
Yeah you’re the only person that has ever really understood why I have to have the tools or have to SI. I wish there was a way to explain it to them so they would understand more. But it’s just either they get it, or they don’t.
The counselor at school like last week told me to throw it away .. i can’t do it because if it’s there then i know that if something happens i can go and do it.
I’ve never been able to throw away any of it. It’s just to hard. I’m emotionally attached to it. I just can’t let it go.
I can throw it away but don’t think i wont find another one. I do it all the time my friend tells me to throw it away so i do and then i go to work and get something and bring it home and hide it.
I guess i can throw some of them away, but there are a few that I can’t get rid of. I don’t know why, I just have to have them with me. Or know that they are in my room.
Yeah i need it in my room and i actually brought home more by accident and now i think i should throw 2 out of the 3 away. I mean if i get the urge to do it and i don’t have anything i freak out.
I do too. It’s like I have to be able to have the option to do it, even if I don’t go through with it.
yeah if not i feel like i will go insane without it..
have you heard The Way She Feels by Between The Tress?
Nothing at all is wrong with you, i know how you feel, i’ve been through what you have my friend found out she was there for me through it all.
i have one friend who’s been there for me like today and i’m grateful to have her.
I just heard the song.
i love that song. I listen to it like ten times a day.
really?
Yes, well, I guess I don’t always love it. Sometimes it makes me want to SI really badly, but I love it at the same time. I love when songs get me.
Yeahhhh i was gonna say because when i listened to it it made me want to SI then again yesterday was my tough day.
=/ myyyy bad. I guess I love it and hate it for different reasons.
it’s okay. You have a love hate relationship with a song haha.