I’m sick of these thoughts in my head constantly telling me I’m no good, that what I just said/did was wrong/bad. A lot of times I feel really lonely. I go on facebook but that’s a bad idea because I can’t post there how I really feel. None of my “friends” know me too well. So, I joined here. Maybe I can post how I feel here and nobody will think I’m weird.
I SI off and on. Right now I’m trying to stay “off” because I want to be able to wear short-sleeve shirts when it gets hot. But I’ve been there where I can’t stop, where all I want to do is sit there and hurt myself, where I can’t stand the thought of going to bed unless I do it. Many times when I feel really down like I want to SI, I go online & read things other self-injurers have written. Not triggering stuff, just stuff like is on here. It distracts me and makes me feel less alone. And then I take polls and evaluations so I can talk about myself a little bit… it’s kind of silly, but I figured it was better than si.
I don’t really have friends except for my mom. Yeah, there’s a bunch of people who know my name… do you call them friends? It’s not that I treat people badly. It’s just that for the most part, they’ve already got their circle of friends and they’re not interested in me… beyond hoping I keep coming to their church. Periodically they ask me how I am, and I say I’m good, and they say “oh that’s good,” and walk away. Okay, there was one lady who took the trouble to be my friend. We actually had a personal conversation and went out to lunch. Twice. We had a good relationship. But it was short-lived because a few weeks later she moved a couple states away. I still consider her my friend, but she’s very busy with her job and she’s got like hundreds of friends. So that’s that. I mean, I was only her friend for a couple of weeks before she left. I figure she’ll forget about me’; even if she doesn’t, she’s too busy now to communicate with me.
I’ve had other friends. One of them told me, flat out, that the book I’d spent 3 years writing was morally bad and I should not be writing it. That doesn’t exactly foster friendship. Another told me I was morally responsible to relate to my brother and his wife no matter what (which is a really sticky situation).
I told a counselor about my SI once. I was really hooked on it and desperately wanted to get free. A friend of mine had spoken really highly of this counselor, so I took a chance and talked to her. That was a REALLY bad idea. She told me she knew she could help me. I knew I could trust her. The way she looked at me told me that. I was wrong. She told me a little bit about “working through” things and left me to do it on my own. I tried really hard. Too hard, I guess. I ended up on the floor screaming, and after that I spent a couple days shaking and unable to eat or sleep, a nervous condition, I guess. I sent her emails every day telling her how it was going (which she had requested I do) and asking her questions. I kept thinking she’d call me or email me or something. I thought she’d answer me. But she rarely did, and even when she DID answer, all she’d say is “Things are going fine.”
I put up with eight weeks of this. I tried REALLY hard to make it work, but it just didn’t. I got so frustrated, I actually thought she and God were trying to break my stubbornness. She had said I had to get down to the pain and feel it. After a couple weeks I started to feel it, all right. It felt like somebody was torturing me. But I couldn’t get the pain out the way she’d said I had to. I didn’t want to, but I hurt so bad I began to SI. A lot. I sent her an email a day before I hurt myself, saying things were starting to get out of hand and I badly wanted to hurt myself. To which (as usual) she didn’t bother replying. A couple days later, this letter arrived from her to my parents, saying, “Everything is going fine.”
I reacted to that communication with rage. She’d told me my dad was the one who’d hurt me, but now SHE was the one I was angry at. She’d betrayed my trust. She’d let me make a fool of myself, telling her everything notable in my whole life, and she’d never told me she’d dropped me the night after she talked to me (which I firmly believe she did, based on the way she was acting the next morning). I realized the “pain” I’d been feeling wasn’t caused by my dad at all, but rather by her betrayal. I cried, which was something I rarely did. And I vowed I’d never trust anybody that much again.
Sometime I’d like to tell the whole story to a counselor — without naming any names — and just get their take on it. For a long time I figured I was the idiot and had just misunderstood her intentions. I can’t judge her, after all; she’s the professional and I’m the person who doesn’t know how this stuff works, right? But here’s what I think happened: I think she did intend to counsel me, like she said. And I think after she left she got worried and changed her mind, which explains her non-involved attitude the next day. Which would have been fine, if only she had told me. My complaint is that she didn’t tell me, and left me thinking she had my back when she didn’t. (After everything fell apart and I got really messed up, she made this comment “I guess I’ll have to step back into the role of counselor for a minute and give you this piece of advice.) Which confirms she’d stepped out of the role of counselor. Why in heck didn’t she tell me??
Okay, that’s it for tonight. I guess I’ll go to bed. I have to work tomorrow. But I’ll probably be back… and thank you for reading this.