Wow, the last time I was on here was last spring I think, and I guess a lot has happened since then… Last September I was admitted to the adolescent unit for self injury and depression. But I definitely think that a “boy” contributed to the worsening depression in August. I know, it’s so typical for a teenage girl… (met him at Latin Convention, he lives in Texas, I don’t, etc. etc.), but I think having that sudden removal of someone whom I really liked just fed into my growing sadness and frustration. I guess that it’s really cool that we still talk to this day though, and he’s actually helped me get through a lot while I was recovering in therapy 🙂
When I got out of the hospital, I was in therapy three times a week for 20 weeks, so I just finished pretty recently. The therapy, despite my skepticism, really DID help – so those of you out on the blog who are debating about whether or not to seek outside help, PLEASE DO. It gave me a lot of useful coping skills and literally changed my lifestyle. The past two months have been really rough; I’ve relapsed. I thought that it was just the usual”dip” in the roller coaster that I go through constantly, but instead of going back up it, I just kept… going down… and now I’m back to where I was. Again. I’ve been self harming again, and have wanted to quit, which, as time progressed, became worse and more “prominent” (persistent?) in my mind. I finally told my friend about what was going on, and just as I thought, he said I had to tell an adult (I’m still in high school). So this brings me to where I am tonight. I’m going in tomorrow morning to talk with my guidance counselor about, well, everything. But I don’t know if I want to tell him *everything* that’s been going on, or how bad things have actually been. I really don’t want to go back to the hospital. And things have been going so well with my family, I used to have a lot of problems with family. Not abuse or anything, but my dad just made my situation a lot worse with what he said/did. I would just hate to ruin all the hard work we’ve put into this with counseling and therapy to spring this on them, that I’m not doing so well. I don’t know what to do. I’m falling behind in school; I’ll say that I’m hanging out with people, when really I’ll go take a walk around the park or sit by the river; I’ve been getting close to no sleep every night because of nightmares. This isn’t normal for me, so maybe it is a sign that I really do need help. I’m just really tired of having to go to an adult and saying “I need help” for almost three years now. I feel like there’s this pressure to get better by the time I go to college, but I’m starting to think when of even if that is going to happen. So far, all of my high school has not been a good experience, at all, so what’s to say that I can change in one year given my track record… I apologize for my cynicism, I’ve sort of developed that attitude after how many times I’ve relapsed.
I don’t expect anyone to read this. At all. I guess I just need to feel like I’m telling someone else, or at least get it off my chest without having to actually tell someone.