Wow, the last time I was on here was last spring I think, and I guess a lot has happened since then… Last September I was admitted to the adolescent unit for self injury and depression.  But I definitely think that a “boy” contributed to the worsening depression in August.  I know, it’s so typical for a teenage girl… (met him at Latin Convention, he lives in Texas, I don’t, etc. etc.), but I think having that sudden removal of someone whom I really liked just fed into my growing sadness and frustration.  I guess that it’s really cool that we still talk to this day though, and he’s actually helped me get through a lot while I was recovering in therapy 🙂

When I got out of the hospital, I was in therapy three times a week for 20 weeks, so I just finished pretty recently.  The therapy, despite my skepticism, really DID help – so those of you out on the blog who are debating about whether or not to seek outside help, PLEASE DO.  It gave me a lot of useful coping skills and literally changed my lifestyle.  The past two months have been really rough; I’ve relapsed.  I thought that it was just the usual”dip” in the roller coaster that I go through constantly, but instead of going back up it, I just kept… going down… and now I’m back to where I was. Again.  I’ve been self harming again, and have wanted to quit, which, as time progressed, became worse and more “prominent” (persistent?) in my mind.  I finally told my friend about what was going on, and just as I thought, he said I had to tell an adult (I’m still in high school).  So this brings me to where I am tonight.  I’m going in tomorrow morning to talk with my guidance counselor about, well, everything.  But I don’t know if I want to tell him *everything* that’s been going on, or how bad things have actually been.  I really don’t want to go back to the hospital.  And things have been going so well with my family, I used to have a lot of problems with family.  Not abuse or anything, but my dad just made my situation a lot worse with what he said/did.  I would just hate to ruin all the hard work we’ve put into this with counseling and therapy to spring this on them, that I’m not doing so well.  I don’t know what to do.  I’m falling behind in school; I’ll say that I’m hanging out with people, when really I’ll go take a walk around the park or sit by the river; I’ve been getting close to no sleep every night because of nightmares.  This isn’t normal for me, so maybe it is a sign that I really do need help.  I’m just really tired of having to go to an adult and saying “I need help” for almost three years now.  I feel like there’s this pressure to get better by the time I go to college, but I’m starting to think when of even if that is going to happen.  So far, all of my high school has not been a good experience, at all, so what’s to say that I can change in one year given my track record… I apologize for my cynicism, I’ve sort of developed that attitude after how many times I’ve relapsed.

I don’t expect anyone to read this.  At all.  I guess I just need to feel like I’m telling someone else, or at least get it off my chest without having to actually tell someone.