“A mirror can lie, doesnt show whats inside, and it can tell you youre full of life, its amazing what you can hide, just by putting on a smile…” story of my life right here…anyway
I really wanted to Si yesterday. I was just laying in bed thinking of how much better I would feel if I just got up and did it. I didnt. I stayed in bed and thought about it, picked an argument with my mom, and spent the rest of the night zoning out in front of the tv. If I wouldve sied I wouldnt have gotten in an argument with my mom. I wouldnt have beena zombie staring at a tv scheen for four hours. I wouldve felt better, I wouldve gotten up, taken a shower and got on with my night. But no. I was good. I didnt si. Whats the use though? If im going to not si and still feel super lousy and hate how I treat everyone around me. If im going to be mean and hurtful to those who love me I should just Si so i can be the me everyones use to. The nice one, the one whose down for anything, the one who can laugh at anything and brush it off. Apparently without Si im a mean, cold, calculating person. I dont want to be that person. I want to be….si me? This all sounds so crazy. I want to si. I want it reallllly bad and I think, no i KNOW it would make me feel so much better. I could smile again and be who I need to be. But shouldnt I want to be who I really am? Even if im not a nice person?? Has si changed me that much that without it i cant handle being around anyone for long periods of time? No one gets it, I try to talk to my friends, and their reply? “Your still doing that?” Yes im still doing “it” it makes me be the person you like to hang out with. I can actually feel happy, feel sad, feel something, ANYTHING when I si. It might last a week, two weeks, or a few hours, but each time is different too.
Three of my friends used to SI. USED to. I was the second one to start. They were all able to stop. I never did. I kept going. They never relapsed like I did. I went well for over a year or so after my parents found out. But I fell back into my routine.
Im not sure if I want to stop.
Im not sure if i actually can.
I dont know where im going with all this, but theyve been thoughts ive had running through my head on a daily basis and i need to get them out.
Music has become a way for me to lose myself. Nights I keep thinking of si I turn on my music, and the next thing I know its 4 am and I just woke up from a really restful sleep. Its really the only crutch I can lean on. My friends disappoint me so much. I hear all their problems, I get the crying phone calls, the one time I need them or just even to sit and watch a movie with someone no ones there. So what do i do? I isolate myself from them. I pull myself back and pretend im busy. What 22 year old wants to say at home every night after work? Sorry I dont want to go out and sleep around with you, or drink with you.
The scars seem to remind me im real. Remind me i do feel, or did feel something at some point.
Ive eaten so bad the past few days. I feel disgusting. Like im a failure. Like im stupid for eating out so often in the past three days. Like i dont deserve to ever be at the target weight I want to. Like all the hard work for the past two weeks went out the window. I hate myself for giving up that easily.
I hate myself for thinking of si. I hate myself for being so weak when it comes to eating. I hate that I cant make any “right” decisions anymore.
This time I cant blame anyone but myself. I wish i could point the finger at someone. Anyone. Even someone I dont like. But this is all my doing. Im just weak.